Midnight Musing

I hate the quiet
It allows me to think
I hate thinking, hurts too much
Some nights in winter, I turn on the air conditioner
Just so there is a familiar noise so I can fall asleep.

I love the cold
It gives me an excuse to hide
I can lock myself in my room for hours. Just to keep warm
I can’t sleep unless it’s cold. I don’t know why
I guess its just a mental thing, or maybe not.

I like Alcohol
It allows me to relax
Not think too much about the real world
I probably drink too much, but only because I can’t bring myself to smoke
That’s nothing against smokers; I know how relieving it can be.

I hate being alone
It scares me to death
Is loneliness a life sentence? Is there an end to it?
Trying to reach out for something that isn’t really there
We sit and hope that one day there will be someone at the end of our outstretched arms.

I love the dark,
Not being able to see used to scare me
I guess because I couldn’t see what was coming.
But now that I think about it, I’d rather not know what the world had planned for me.
I think it’s better being in the dark. After all, what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

Behind Closed Doors

Behind closed doors the moonlight shines only bright enough to illuminate the shadows of a dark past, The path that had been traveled to many times had become somewhat unrecognizable, yet not disguisable to herself. The passageway to the deepest circle of her inner soul. Where even pure beauty shows more flaws than perfections. A place that encircles memories that induced the black mascara sea beneath her teary, yet painfully gorgeous eyes. In even her saddest of days she could melt the ice off the coldest hearts. Her disbelief in herself provoked the self belief in others. She is an angel with a scarred heart and broken wings, black as coal. But she is an Angel none the less. In the day she is like you and I. in the dark she cries herself to sleep. Her drugs only dull the pain, slowly killing her inside. One can only take so much hurt. Once the powdered relief fades, she becomes more broken than she was in the hours before. Recent memories pass thought her mind unnoticed. The innermost painful memories still haunt her. As she delicately steps out of her 3rd floor apartment, she again turns into everybody’s Savior. The Savior that she longs for deep inside. As the hours tick by, she sits at her desk knowing full well what the night holds for her. The beautiful woman that left her apartment this morning will turn into a girl shattered by an excruciating recollection of a life she once lived. A life known only in her apartment… behind closed doors.