Midnight Musing

I hate the quiet
It allows me to think
I hate thinking, hurts too much
Some nights in winter, I turn on the air conditioner
Just so there is a familiar noise so I can fall asleep.

I love the cold
It gives me an excuse to hide
I can lock myself in my room for hours. Just to keep warm
I can’t sleep unless it’s cold. I don’t know why
I guess its just a mental thing, or maybe not.

I like Alcohol
It allows me to relax
Not think too much about the real world
I probably drink too much, but only because I can’t bring myself to smoke
That’s nothing against smokers; I know how relieving it can be.

I hate being alone
It scares me to death
Is loneliness a life sentence? Is there an end to it?
Trying to reach out for something that isn’t really there
We sit and hope that one day there will be someone at the end of our outstretched arms.

I love the dark,
Not being able to see used to scare me
I guess because I couldn’t see what was coming.
But now that I think about it, I’d rather not know what the world had planned for me.
I think it’s better being in the dark. After all, what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

Complete and utter rambling...

I don’t ever remember not being in a confused state of mind.
I don’t ever remember having a clear head.
There has always been something bothering me.
There has also been something to tear apart my soul and ruin my day.
Some things are just in my head.
Some things are really there.
Determining what is there and what is in my head seems to be the hardest thing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really been in love
I don’t know if I’ve ever really been loved.
What is love?
What isn’t love?
Can it be defined as a single feeling?
Or is it simply to complex to understand?

Have I ever been okay?
Have I ever been Happy?
I don’t know what I want.
But I know that I want it.

You can never hurt me as much as I hurt myself….