That's Okay

3 words, I “Something” You, it seems saying these three words is harder than finding that “something”. We all know what that “something” is…Love.
See, that wasn’t so difficult, was it?
I know you don’t love me, that’s okay,
I know you love him, and that’s okay too.
I’ll still chase you like a lovesick puppy.
We’ll have our fun, like we have been.

I love how we can be when we are with each other. And even though it may mean nothing to you, it means the world to me.
I love the way you look at me
I love the way you always smile
I love the way you wrap your arms around me
I love the way your hands find mine even in the dark
I love the way you kiss me, on my lips and on my neck
I love the few mornings I get to wake up beside you
I love the way you let me be myself when I’m with you
I love the way we can plan our fake wedding, covering every detail.
I love everything about you. I won’t lie; I want you to be mine.

It’s never going to happen, but that’s okay.
People think I’m stupid, they try warning me not to get to attached because it could end in heartbreak. That’s true, and probably right, but doesn’t everything end in heartbreak. At the moment I’m happy. Why ruin that?
Sure the day will come that you will move on, but that’s okay.
I think I’m prepared for that, doesn’t mean I’m giving up on you though.
Maybe one day it’ll happen, but if it doesn’t, that’s okay.
One day you might hear me say those 3 words, you might run, you might not and maybe you might just say them back; I don’t know, but that’s okay.
I’m happy now, thanks to you.
People don’t approve of us, but as long as I have you, I’ll be okay.

Murdering Love

You're painful, you hurt.
Its like you're holding a knife in front of you, each time we get closer, the knife sinks deeper into my heart, The closer you get the more it hurts, but the more it hurts, the more I want...
The wound gets deeper. Then you pull away, pull out the knife. Leaving me with blood-covered hands, holding a needle and thread, trying to stitch the pieces back together.

Off My Chest

Many of us stumble through this life without a purpose, or so it seems. We are just drifters of reality, taking on whatever comes our way. Waiting for that moment that will throw us into our fate and put us on the road to our destiny.
It’s impossible to predict how anything will end, if it ends. That can be life, love, career… anything. The only way we can reach the end of anything is to take the journey. Ignorance is the key to longevity with anything, as the more we learn about something, the more inclined we are to end it because we see its tainted imperfections. It is not a matter of anything being perfect; it’s a matter of the positives outweighing the negatives. In this world, we focus on the negatives far to often. “Why did it fail?” instead of “What was good about it?” This is why we never learn; this is why 50% of marriages end in divorce, this is why the world is at war.

I often hear people say, “Well that was a waste of “X” years” or “There’s a chunk of my life I won’t get back” at the end of a relationship. This is taking the negative out of a situation that can be seen as a positive given the right mindset. I know this is very hypocritical coming from me, but I’m the first to admit that I never take my own advice. Why not focus on the positive things, like what you learned. What you can and can’t handle within a relationship, or what simple little things annoy you. People ask, “How come things are different to how they were when we first dating? Why did they change?” Truth is they probably didn’t change, you just learnt more about the other person with time. I’m willing to bet that if you were to learn nothing more about the person you were dating after 3 months, there would be no problem. Ignorance is bliss ladies and gentlemen.

I am a pessimist, which has moments of optimism. That’s just the way I am. I believe its better to assume the worst because anything better is seen as a bonus. People don’t like it, but that’s me, that’s how I deal with the world. I’d rather be relieved if news isn’t as bad than was first expected, than be disappointed when its when I assumed it would be fine. I’ll tell you that it’s not an easy way to live, but for me there is no turning back. I’ve been let down far to often to even begin to hint towards a positive outcome from any situation, again that is hypocritical considering what I’ve written above.

Hopefully, I can help prevent others ending up like me. Enough people come to me for advice that if I was a counsellor I’d never have to work another day in my life. That’s fine with me, though young; I have a lot of advice to give. Be it through experience or just watching the world, I have answers to questions I wish I didn’t have. However, if I use them to help then I guess it’s not so bad. I have an opinion on almost everything, which comes in handy considering I’m pretending to be a writer.

I’ll leave you with this thought. Many people, like myself have no clear direction of what we are looking for. We are not sure what we want, but we know that we want it and we want it now… however…

If you don’t know what you’re looking for, how will you know when you find it?

Just For Tonight

She’s only tiny, she’s quiet, she never says much, she just rests her head on my shoulders and wraps her arms around me.
I safely secure her in my arms, kiss her forehead and pull her in closer.
The emotion flows through our bodies; we can see it in each other’s eyes. We don’t need to say anything, we both know its there.
We know that after this night I’ll be leaving, on my long journey home.
We always knew it was coming; this time together was never for forever.
I whisper in her ear:

“Be mine, just for tonight. I’ll momentarily be the gentleman that walks you home,
Just for tonight, let me kiss you, let me hold you, let me be the one you turn to, let me be the one that makes you smile.
Tonight is all we have, lets not waste it.
Tomorrow you will awaken, and I’ll again be half a world away.
Counting down the days until I can say those words again
Just for tonight…”

I hold her face gently, with my other hand on her lower back as I softly kiss her and pull her in again for another soft embrace. It’s not perfect, it’s not much… but it’s enough. Just for tonight…

Can you?

I'm tired of hiding behind these four walls,
there seems to be less and less room in here these days,
can't tell if the room is getting smaller or the things I hide are getting bigger.

I'm sick of laying awake alone,
I'm sick of the endless, sleepless night trying to fall asleep in tears,
I'm sick of it being my fault, even though it is, I am the one to blame.

I love that it hurts, maybe it will teach me a lesson,
I love that I can never be hurt by anyone as much as I hurt myself,
I love that one day there will be and end to all of this... One way or another.

Can you hear my silent screams for help?
Could you ever care?
Could you ever listen?

I'm tired,
I'm sick,
I love,

Can you help?

...With Her

Sliding my hands over her shoulders, down the inside of her arms she slides her hands over the back of mine, piercing the gaps between my fingers with her own. I grasp her petite little fingers tightly as if I’m never going to let go and I pull her exposed fragile body in against me.
She moves ours hands towards her mouth and softly kisses each of my fingers. I brush the hair from her right shoulder using my nose as I kiss her neck tenderly, from the up behind her tiny cold ear, to the point of her shoulder. She slants her head back onto me, with her gorgeous eyes closed and biting her bottom lip. She turns her head up to face me, wearily opening her eyes to stare into mine. Blinking ever so slowly as she tries to hide a shy smile. I release her hands, placing mine on her hips to turn her around and face me, still gazing into her eyes, I begin to lean my head forward, as I slide my right hand up the side of her perfect, gorgeous body, up to her delicate face. Brushing away the hair off her face as I a reach the final moments before our first passionate embrace. Her gentle, trembling lips lock with mine; our awkward tongues tangle and tease one another. My hands become careless and start exploring her elegant, bare-naked body. Her hands are cold as she places them on my cheek. Firmly seizing me into the avid embrace…
I feel the butterflies in my stomach start to stir as I completely forget about the world...Is it to soon to say perfect? When this is where I want to be… this is where I want to stay…. here…lost…in this moment… with her.

I'd Rather Die Than be Without You

Dani and Chase were high school sweethearts… They met in English in there first year. Dani was a shy 14 year old girl, very slim and slender with dark eyes and a time stopping smile… although she never reveals it that often, she often wore black tights with a red pleated skirt, and black button down top that she ties at the bottom, revealing her stomach. She wasn’t very tall, wasn’t very confident and didn’t trust many people…. except the love of her life… Chase. Chase, 15, was a loner at best, very few friends. He was tall, so skinny it was scary, his hair was black thick and shiny. He wore expensive glasses, tight skinny black jeans, and whatever colour t-shirt he could find on the day.

Dani and Chase were in love. Everlasting love… The words til death do us part were never more true. Chase lived with his dad was a truck driver, was hardly home, his mum had died of cancer when he was 5. He couldn’t remember anything about her. He was generally happy. After all, he was in love. Dani had a rough up bringing. Her dad was an alcoholic… Always drunk. Her mother was no better; she was a drug addict…their house always smelt of cocaine and beer. Her father grew abusive over time.

Dani went to Chase’s house one afternoon in tears… about a year after they were dating… she had a small cut above her left eye, trickling blood. She, as Chase removed her bloody blouse, it revealed her bruise ribs. Already purple. She couldn’t stop crying. Chase kissed her forehead and told her everything would be ok.
”You shouldn’t love me Chase, you’ll only end up hurt” she said, “you can’t stay with me”
“Dani, I Love you” he said “I’d rather die then be without you”
Dani hinted at a smile as Chase continued to clean her up.

Dani started wearing more and clothes, less revealing than normal. Chase was scared, Dani didn’t talk about it much, Chase didn’t ask. He just kept telling her he loved her.

Chase got a call one Wednesday night about 12 months later, “Your girlfriend is in hospital, and she’s broken her leg”
Chase got there as quick as he could. She was bruise and battered again. Her father was in handcuffs in the waiting room. “What did he do?” Chase asked
“Nothing, It was my fault Dani said “ I told him I was pregnant, Chase your going to be a dad”
Chase’s frown quickly turned to a smile…
”I love you Dani, I’d rather die that live without you” he said.

Later that night Chase heard a knock on his front door…it was Dani’s father…
Without a word Chase’s was punch across the face, then in the ribs and fell to the floor. Dani came running over to Chase’s house
”DAD I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE” she screamed, “Are you ok Chase?”
“I’m fine” he replied
“You know you don’t have to out up with this, I don’t want you to get hurt anymore” she said
Chase just smiled “Dani, I love you, I’d rather die than be without you”

The Friday that followed Chase was on his way to Dani’s house, he came to a complete stop; a blue and red light was flashing on his face. Tears began to flow. The front of Dani’s place was covered in Police, and an ambulance. He dropped to his knees in the middle of the road as he watched the paramedics drag the stretcher carrying a cover body… tears started to flow as Dani’s mother came screaming from the house, trying to grab hold up the stretcher. Chase’s heart fell to pieces when he seen Chase’s dad being pulled from the front door by the police… he’s gone to far this time… Dani was murdered… Dani was dead; Chase’s Love his life was gone.
He could do nothing…His tears flowed from his eyes… it was never ending.

Her funeral was small… a few friends from school, Chase’s Dad accompanied him… Chase could only cry… He was the last one to leave the side of her casket… He kissed it… and left a folded note to be buried with her…

Dear Dani,

I Love You, I’d rather die than be without you

Love Chase

Chase hasn’t been seen since the funeral…

Complete and utter rambling...

I don’t ever remember not being in a confused state of mind.
I don’t ever remember having a clear head.
There has always been something bothering me.
There has also been something to tear apart my soul and ruin my day.
Some things are just in my head.
Some things are really there.
Determining what is there and what is in my head seems to be the hardest thing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really been in love
I don’t know if I’ve ever really been loved.
What is love?
What isn’t love?
Can it be defined as a single feeling?
Or is it simply to complex to understand?

Have I ever been okay?
Have I ever been Happy?
I don’t know what I want.
But I know that I want it.

You can never hurt me as much as I hurt myself….

My Life at Present...

Its not very often that I write about myself or my personal life. And what follows might be a shock to to those who think they know who I am. While it won’t detail exactly everything in my life, it might help a few people understand a few things. I guess it might not surprise people at all, just depends on the perception you have of me, but that ok, I can deal with that. That’s the beauty of being human, we can think and develop our own opinion of each other.

This is nothing more that a simple piece of writing to capture my own thoughts at this particular point in my life, mainly because I am going through some massive changes at the moment. Also, have a few big decisions to make in the coming months. Ones that will either make me or break me.

Let me begin by saying im currently not where I want to be with my life, in most aspects. I expected bigger and better things from myself for myself by this stage. So I guess you can say im not happy with everything in life at the moment, but at the same time I’m ok that. There are some things that I am happy with, so its not all doom and gloom. Which is a big thing for me to say, being as pessimistic as I am.

As many people know already im considering moving soon. I’ve recently been travelling around this great country of ours, Ive met some fantastic people and seen some great places. My move is based on a lot of things, Ive been here in Townsville for as long as I can remember. It is home, and always will be home to me. However, it is to the point where it has nothing left to offer me anymore. It is a very difficult decision for me to make, I have great friends up here, and most importantly my Mum and my brother. Leaving them behind would be the hardest part. I guess I relate it to the animal world kingdom, the young offspring leaving the nest at an early age to grow into the adult animal they need to become to survive in this cruel world of ours. So I guess its time for me to leave the nest.
Chasing bigger and better opportunities in my career. In this current economic climate there is not a lot of opportunity in Townsville, in any industry. It is also very expensive to live here, for what it is. Not many people share this view of Townsville thought, and those who do have already moved on to other places. Where am I going? Who knows… The Gold Coast at this stage, although I have always said that I will end up in Perth at some stage. Only time will tell. To be honest I don’t base my decisions on a hell of a lot of logic… could end up in Africa, who knows.

Like I said earlier, leaving family behind will be the hardest. While I’ve never had the best relationship with my mum or my brother, they have always been there for me, sacrificing a lot when they could of just said no. They have given me nearly to much, and I love them very much… even though I don’t say it nearly as much as I should. In time I know they will move as well, so hopefully it wont be to long after.

Leaving my friends behind will also be very tough. Leaving everybody you’ve grown up with, the people you share unforgettable memories with, the people that have stuck by you no matter what, the people that have helped me become who I am today. These people mean more to me than they know, and they would be missed very much.

Leaving work behind won’t be so difficult…. After all I’ll more than likely be remaining in the same company, just a new location. In saying that, there are a few people that have been fantastic mentors and role models to me in my short career, as well as outside work as well. I’ve formed some great friendships…. With many memories left to capture before I move on. I’ve also learnt a great deal of information that can help me, not only in my profession, but outside as well. I do complain a lot about work, when its really not that bad…. After a coffee… haha.

Now (the important bit)… there seems to be this conception that I’m moving for love, moving to be with someone. This isn’t entirely true…. I was moving anyway. But yes there is a element of truth to it I guess. I wouldn’t call it “love” at this stage. It’s only very early days and I believe live is something that is built over time. Therefore, I don’t believe in love at first sight, I believe in in the potential for love… I think you can feel something straight away, but it would call it love… I’d call it potential… which can be built on. That’s what I feel this is, while it is very early days I think it has the potential to be something great... and hopefully she feels this as well.
It is difficult to do I must say, when you like and want someone that is 1400kms away, its hard to stay positive. While this girl and I aren’t together per se, I like to think that when we do see each other we are, which we can build on. It’s a little bit of a complicated situation I guess. Both of us have just gotten out of long term relationships, and not really looking to get back into one at this stage, so in a way this 1400kms between us is a good thing. I think had we lived in the same city, it would be difficult for us to resist seeing each other. At least that’s what I think. But she makes me happy, and hopefully she feels the same. It’s a funny feeling to be talking to someone to the depth that we have, and not be together… and being allowed to see other people. It’s hard not to get jealous of those who can see her, when I can’t.
It’s a situation I would normally give up on, but not this time. There is something different about this girl. I believe her when she tells me she wants to see me, and kiss me, and hug me. Fall asleep with my arms around her. Calling me sweetheart. These things mean a lot to me, thought they are only words. I constantly finding myself re reading my text messages from her, they make me smile. I don’t think I’ve smiled this much in a long time. Hopefully it will grow into something great, who knows what this world has planned for us?

I’ve often been accused of falling in “love” to quickly. Which may or may not be true. Its just part of who I am I guess. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been in some good relationships over the years, while they the people I dated weren’t right for me in the end, , they’re right for someone else. While a lot of people get upset about it, I don’t think its something you should dwell on. We all get upset, but we move on, often on to better things. Look where I am now, If I hadn’t split with my ex, I might never have found myself in the great situation I find myself in now with this girl. So Good things sometimes comes from bad things.
You may have noticed I have not used any names in here, there are some secrets that need to be kept :) Those included no what I’m talking about :).

Wow…this is page 6 (A4 handwritten sheet :)) for those of you playing at home.

Those few of you that decide to read this are more than likely on my blog. Which means I’ve bugged you to read it, or you already know that I’m a bit of a writer. (I really wish I typed this because its gonna take ages to type up)

If you scroll down my blog you will find some more of my writing, mainly poetry.
Many people after reading the things I write ask me if I’m ok. I guess because of the dark nature of my stuff. I’m fine people lol… My writing generally has nothing to do with how I feel. I just seem to have this ability to write depressive stuff. Which is what I like, Tried that happy stuff, it was to easy. Most of my stuff is often based on a single word. A word that I add to a sentence, and from there… I get poems. I love writing, in brings me a lot of joy and inner peace. I never used to show many people my writing, but for some reason I decided it was time to share. Surprised a few people I think… but that’s ok, have to keep people guessing.
Hmm what else is there…

A lot of people have questioned my…fashion sense lately. Calling it “Emo” or whatever. That’s cool, I don’t care. Not gonna change me haha. I happen to like skinny jeans lol.

I don’t really care about what people think about me, It has never really bothered me, I don’t know why. Seems to work though. Everyone is different, and I don’t think they should be criticised for how they express themselves. Which is a big part of my decision to move, Townsville seems to have developed this stereotype of prude women and dickhead men. I didn’t think t much of it until I started travelling. From my perspective there is an element of truth in that statement. I think a lot of people would agree with me on that. People just seem nicer in other places, and you don’t seem to be judged as much I have found, Oh well.

Hmmm… given that its 4am and there is a cyclone floating around somewhere, I think I might call it a night. I could have kept going on forever….maybe next time. J

So Sinister

Your kiss is so sinister, filled with pleasure and pain, but when our lives are over our love will remain.

You are my demon, black leather and lace, beat me and whip me, make me scream out my face.

Be rough, don’t be gentle, make me feel pain, for when it comes my turn, you’ll be screaming my name.

Bloods seep through the markings, like when evil attacks, bruises and grazes, scratches all down my back.

Tied to the bed head, all cover in sweat; you lower your body, so soft and wet.

Faster and harder, your body starts to shake, your trembling and moaning, the silence it breaks.

The noises get louder, there’s an arch in your back, with ones massive scream, the windows they crack.

The movements grow slower, your breathing slows down, with one naughty smile, your move your head down.

You tongue starts to tease me, sends me insane, you laugh like the devil, like its some sort of game.

But some games are made for two and my turn is next, the room is getting steamy and smells like rough sex.

I roll your body over, lay you on your back, I’m deep between you thighs, and again the windows crack.

There’s thunder and lighting, the fire it glows, you push my head down, you’re about to explode.

Three massive breathes, then one loud and slow, you scream and you pout, you yell and you moan.

So softly you kiss me, it tastes so damn sweet, you lay down beside me, you drift off to sleep.

Lust

I have never felt such a desire to play a part in something wrong
And be it not for the first time, we would never know it felt right
I have an addiction to the touching of our skin, it’s like a drug
Every taste makes the addiction stronger, and the release twice as sweet
Do not deny me my fixed of greed and guilt, use me and abuse me how you see fit.
Committing the sin in secret heightens our senses, in an act that is a socially unacceptable, and morally
fucked up
An act so wrong to the world that it’s so right for us, Let them never know of our furtive behaviour
Let the disgust with ourselves fuel every moment.
It’s an endless desire that can never be fulfilled, yet we crave for it like a vampire for blood.
Giving in to our craving was the beginning of our mistake, now such passion cannot be fought against
Nor can it see the light of day.
Let them never know we have given in to the forbidden temptation.
What once was a fantasy is now a reality.
A reality that only we know we live in.