My Life at Present...

Its not very often that I write about myself or my personal life. And what follows might be a shock to to those who think they know who I am. While it won’t detail exactly everything in my life, it might help a few people understand a few things. I guess it might not surprise people at all, just depends on the perception you have of me, but that ok, I can deal with that. That’s the beauty of being human, we can think and develop our own opinion of each other.

This is nothing more that a simple piece of writing to capture my own thoughts at this particular point in my life, mainly because I am going through some massive changes at the moment. Also, have a few big decisions to make in the coming months. Ones that will either make me or break me.

Let me begin by saying im currently not where I want to be with my life, in most aspects. I expected bigger and better things from myself for myself by this stage. So I guess you can say im not happy with everything in life at the moment, but at the same time I’m ok that. There are some things that I am happy with, so its not all doom and gloom. Which is a big thing for me to say, being as pessimistic as I am.

As many people know already im considering moving soon. I’ve recently been travelling around this great country of ours, Ive met some fantastic people and seen some great places. My move is based on a lot of things, Ive been here in Townsville for as long as I can remember. It is home, and always will be home to me. However, it is to the point where it has nothing left to offer me anymore. It is a very difficult decision for me to make, I have great friends up here, and most importantly my Mum and my brother. Leaving them behind would be the hardest part. I guess I relate it to the animal world kingdom, the young offspring leaving the nest at an early age to grow into the adult animal they need to become to survive in this cruel world of ours. So I guess its time for me to leave the nest.
Chasing bigger and better opportunities in my career. In this current economic climate there is not a lot of opportunity in Townsville, in any industry. It is also very expensive to live here, for what it is. Not many people share this view of Townsville thought, and those who do have already moved on to other places. Where am I going? Who knows… The Gold Coast at this stage, although I have always said that I will end up in Perth at some stage. Only time will tell. To be honest I don’t base my decisions on a hell of a lot of logic… could end up in Africa, who knows.

Like I said earlier, leaving family behind will be the hardest. While I’ve never had the best relationship with my mum or my brother, they have always been there for me, sacrificing a lot when they could of just said no. They have given me nearly to much, and I love them very much… even though I don’t say it nearly as much as I should. In time I know they will move as well, so hopefully it wont be to long after.

Leaving my friends behind will also be very tough. Leaving everybody you’ve grown up with, the people you share unforgettable memories with, the people that have stuck by you no matter what, the people that have helped me become who I am today. These people mean more to me than they know, and they would be missed very much.

Leaving work behind won’t be so difficult…. After all I’ll more than likely be remaining in the same company, just a new location. In saying that, there are a few people that have been fantastic mentors and role models to me in my short career, as well as outside work as well. I’ve formed some great friendships…. With many memories left to capture before I move on. I’ve also learnt a great deal of information that can help me, not only in my profession, but outside as well. I do complain a lot about work, when its really not that bad…. After a coffee… haha.

Now (the important bit)… there seems to be this conception that I’m moving for love, moving to be with someone. This isn’t entirely true…. I was moving anyway. But yes there is a element of truth to it I guess. I wouldn’t call it “love” at this stage. It’s only very early days and I believe live is something that is built over time. Therefore, I don’t believe in love at first sight, I believe in in the potential for love… I think you can feel something straight away, but it would call it love… I’d call it potential… which can be built on. That’s what I feel this is, while it is very early days I think it has the potential to be something great... and hopefully she feels this as well.
It is difficult to do I must say, when you like and want someone that is 1400kms away, its hard to stay positive. While this girl and I aren’t together per se, I like to think that when we do see each other we are, which we can build on. It’s a little bit of a complicated situation I guess. Both of us have just gotten out of long term relationships, and not really looking to get back into one at this stage, so in a way this 1400kms between us is a good thing. I think had we lived in the same city, it would be difficult for us to resist seeing each other. At least that’s what I think. But she makes me happy, and hopefully she feels the same. It’s a funny feeling to be talking to someone to the depth that we have, and not be together… and being allowed to see other people. It’s hard not to get jealous of those who can see her, when I can’t.
It’s a situation I would normally give up on, but not this time. There is something different about this girl. I believe her when she tells me she wants to see me, and kiss me, and hug me. Fall asleep with my arms around her. Calling me sweetheart. These things mean a lot to me, thought they are only words. I constantly finding myself re reading my text messages from her, they make me smile. I don’t think I’ve smiled this much in a long time. Hopefully it will grow into something great, who knows what this world has planned for us?

I’ve often been accused of falling in “love” to quickly. Which may or may not be true. Its just part of who I am I guess. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been in some good relationships over the years, while they the people I dated weren’t right for me in the end, , they’re right for someone else. While a lot of people get upset about it, I don’t think its something you should dwell on. We all get upset, but we move on, often on to better things. Look where I am now, If I hadn’t split with my ex, I might never have found myself in the great situation I find myself in now with this girl. So Good things sometimes comes from bad things.
You may have noticed I have not used any names in here, there are some secrets that need to be kept :) Those included no what I’m talking about :).

Wow…this is page 6 (A4 handwritten sheet :)) for those of you playing at home.

Those few of you that decide to read this are more than likely on my blog. Which means I’ve bugged you to read it, or you already know that I’m a bit of a writer. (I really wish I typed this because its gonna take ages to type up)

If you scroll down my blog you will find some more of my writing, mainly poetry.
Many people after reading the things I write ask me if I’m ok. I guess because of the dark nature of my stuff. I’m fine people lol… My writing generally has nothing to do with how I feel. I just seem to have this ability to write depressive stuff. Which is what I like, Tried that happy stuff, it was to easy. Most of my stuff is often based on a single word. A word that I add to a sentence, and from there… I get poems. I love writing, in brings me a lot of joy and inner peace. I never used to show many people my writing, but for some reason I decided it was time to share. Surprised a few people I think… but that’s ok, have to keep people guessing.
Hmm what else is there…

A lot of people have questioned my…fashion sense lately. Calling it “Emo” or whatever. That’s cool, I don’t care. Not gonna change me haha. I happen to like skinny jeans lol.

I don’t really care about what people think about me, It has never really bothered me, I don’t know why. Seems to work though. Everyone is different, and I don’t think they should be criticised for how they express themselves. Which is a big part of my decision to move, Townsville seems to have developed this stereotype of prude women and dickhead men. I didn’t think t much of it until I started travelling. From my perspective there is an element of truth in that statement. I think a lot of people would agree with me on that. People just seem nicer in other places, and you don’t seem to be judged as much I have found, Oh well.

Hmmm… given that its 4am and there is a cyclone floating around somewhere, I think I might call it a night. I could have kept going on forever….maybe next time. J