As the darkness falls all around you, and your tears run black as the night,
You have run out of shoulders to cry on, you know it’s the night you’ll say goodbye.
The bruises have never been so painful; the cuts have never been so deep.
Lay your head down in relief, and bleed into the deepest sleep.
Room once filled with hopes and dreams, all to long ago it seems, now
Bloody sheets of misery, razor blades and memories. Broken glass on the floor a tissue box that helps no more.
A broken heart that burns with pain, drowning in mascara rain.
Deafened by her own silent screams, a precious life atrophy
A river black from eyes to cheek, she’s nothing left, a heart so weak.
Wounds reopened, Crimson Red, pages unturned and words unsaid.
An excruciating ecstasy, yet a picture perfect catastrophe.
Blood fingerprints on the life she tore, her life that was, but is no more.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Off My Chest
Many of us stumble through this life without a purpose, or so it seems. We are just drifters of reality, taking on whatever comes our way. Waiting for that moment that will throw us into our fate and put us on the road to our destiny.
It’s impossible to predict how anything will end, if it ends. That can be life, love, career… anything. The only way we can reach the end of anything is to take the journey. Ignorance is the key to longevity with anything, as the more we learn about something, the more inclined we are to end it because we see its tainted imperfections. It is not a matter of anything being perfect; it’s a matter of the positives outweighing the negatives. In this world, we focus on the negatives far to often. “Why did it fail?” instead of “What was good about it?” This is why we never learn; this is why 50% of marriages end in divorce, this is why the world is at war.
I often hear people say, “Well that was a waste of “X” years” or “There’s a chunk of my life I won’t get back” at the end of a relationship. This is taking the negative out of a situation that can be seen as a positive given the right mindset. I know this is very hypocritical coming from me, but I’m the first to admit that I never take my own advice. Why not focus on the positive things, like what you learned. What you can and can’t handle within a relationship, or what simple little things annoy you. People ask, “How come things are different to how they were when we first dating? Why did they change?” Truth is they probably didn’t change, you just learnt more about the other person with time. I’m willing to bet that if you were to learn nothing more about the person you were dating after 3 months, there would be no problem. Ignorance is bliss ladies and gentlemen.
I am a pessimist, which has moments of optimism. That’s just the way I am. I believe its better to assume the worst because anything better is seen as a bonus. People don’t like it, but that’s me, that’s how I deal with the world. I’d rather be relieved if news isn’t as bad than was first expected, than be disappointed when its when I assumed it would be fine. I’ll tell you that it’s not an easy way to live, but for me there is no turning back. I’ve been let down far to often to even begin to hint towards a positive outcome from any situation, again that is hypocritical considering what I’ve written above.
Hopefully, I can help prevent others ending up like me. Enough people come to me for advice that if I was a counsellor I’d never have to work another day in my life. That’s fine with me, though young; I have a lot of advice to give. Be it through experience or just watching the world, I have answers to questions I wish I didn’t have. However, if I use them to help then I guess it’s not so bad. I have an opinion on almost everything, which comes in handy considering I’m pretending to be a writer.
I’ll leave you with this thought. Many people, like myself have no clear direction of what we are looking for. We are not sure what we want, but we know that we want it and we want it now… however…
If you don’t know what you’re looking for, how will you know when you find it?
It’s impossible to predict how anything will end, if it ends. That can be life, love, career… anything. The only way we can reach the end of anything is to take the journey. Ignorance is the key to longevity with anything, as the more we learn about something, the more inclined we are to end it because we see its tainted imperfections. It is not a matter of anything being perfect; it’s a matter of the positives outweighing the negatives. In this world, we focus on the negatives far to often. “Why did it fail?” instead of “What was good about it?” This is why we never learn; this is why 50% of marriages end in divorce, this is why the world is at war.
I often hear people say, “Well that was a waste of “X” years” or “There’s a chunk of my life I won’t get back” at the end of a relationship. This is taking the negative out of a situation that can be seen as a positive given the right mindset. I know this is very hypocritical coming from me, but I’m the first to admit that I never take my own advice. Why not focus on the positive things, like what you learned. What you can and can’t handle within a relationship, or what simple little things annoy you. People ask, “How come things are different to how they were when we first dating? Why did they change?” Truth is they probably didn’t change, you just learnt more about the other person with time. I’m willing to bet that if you were to learn nothing more about the person you were dating after 3 months, there would be no problem. Ignorance is bliss ladies and gentlemen.
I am a pessimist, which has moments of optimism. That’s just the way I am. I believe its better to assume the worst because anything better is seen as a bonus. People don’t like it, but that’s me, that’s how I deal with the world. I’d rather be relieved if news isn’t as bad than was first expected, than be disappointed when its when I assumed it would be fine. I’ll tell you that it’s not an easy way to live, but for me there is no turning back. I’ve been let down far to often to even begin to hint towards a positive outcome from any situation, again that is hypocritical considering what I’ve written above.
Hopefully, I can help prevent others ending up like me. Enough people come to me for advice that if I was a counsellor I’d never have to work another day in my life. That’s fine with me, though young; I have a lot of advice to give. Be it through experience or just watching the world, I have answers to questions I wish I didn’t have. However, if I use them to help then I guess it’s not so bad. I have an opinion on almost everything, which comes in handy considering I’m pretending to be a writer.
I’ll leave you with this thought. Many people, like myself have no clear direction of what we are looking for. We are not sure what we want, but we know that we want it and we want it now… however…
If you don’t know what you’re looking for, how will you know when you find it?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Why, Why, Why?
With a look she passed on that dreadful night,
A look of fear, pain and fright.
But there she lay on her stone cold bed,
As the sheets were pulled up over her head.
Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?
She left late, off home to bed, the night was dark, the roads were wet.
She checked her phone, and what to see,
But 4 missed calls from hey beloved Daddy.
She calls him back without a wait,
“Don’t stay up, I’ll be home late”
With that she did what she had to do,
Her 4 last words, “I love you to”
Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?
To quick she turned, she scrapped the pole, she closed her eyes, she lost control.
The car spun, her life flashed, the tyres screeched, the glass smashed.
That moment went so slow it seemed,
As she let out her final scream.
Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?
The phone it rang, the time was 3,
Her mother thought, “Who must that be?”
The dreaded call to end it all,
Her mother screamed, the phone did fall.
The tears flowed, the body showed,
“Is this your daughter, yes or no?”
Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?
Her friends, her lover, her family cry.
The time has come to say goodbye.
The hugs and flowers will never do,
To ease the pain that they’ve gone through.
Her father weeps; her mother cries…those 3 sad words
Why?
Why?
Why?
A look of fear, pain and fright.
But there she lay on her stone cold bed,
As the sheets were pulled up over her head.
Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?
She left late, off home to bed, the night was dark, the roads were wet.
She checked her phone, and what to see,
But 4 missed calls from hey beloved Daddy.
She calls him back without a wait,
“Don’t stay up, I’ll be home late”
With that she did what she had to do,
Her 4 last words, “I love you to”
Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?
To quick she turned, she scrapped the pole, she closed her eyes, she lost control.
The car spun, her life flashed, the tyres screeched, the glass smashed.
That moment went so slow it seemed,
As she let out her final scream.
Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?
The phone it rang, the time was 3,
Her mother thought, “Who must that be?”
The dreaded call to end it all,
Her mother screamed, the phone did fall.
The tears flowed, the body showed,
“Is this your daughter, yes or no?”
Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?
Her friends, her lover, her family cry.
The time has come to say goodbye.
The hugs and flowers will never do,
To ease the pain that they’ve gone through.
Her father weeps; her mother cries…those 3 sad words
Why?
Why?
Why?
Monday, March 29, 2010
I'd Rather Die Than be Without You
Dani and Chase were high school sweethearts… They met in English in there first year. Dani was a shy 14 year old girl, very slim and slender with dark eyes and a time stopping smile… although she never reveals it that often, she often wore black tights with a red pleated skirt, and black button down top that she ties at the bottom, revealing her stomach. She wasn’t very tall, wasn’t very confident and didn’t trust many people…. except the love of her life… Chase. Chase, 15, was a loner at best, very few friends. He was tall, so skinny it was scary, his hair was black thick and shiny. He wore expensive glasses, tight skinny black jeans, and whatever colour t-shirt he could find on the day.
Dani and Chase were in love. Everlasting love… The words til death do us part were never more true. Chase lived with his dad was a truck driver, was hardly home, his mum had died of cancer when he was 5. He couldn’t remember anything about her. He was generally happy. After all, he was in love. Dani had a rough up bringing. Her dad was an alcoholic… Always drunk. Her mother was no better; she was a drug addict…their house always smelt of cocaine and beer. Her father grew abusive over time.
Dani went to Chase’s house one afternoon in tears… about a year after they were dating… she had a small cut above her left eye, trickling blood. She, as Chase removed her bloody blouse, it revealed her bruise ribs. Already purple. She couldn’t stop crying. Chase kissed her forehead and told her everything would be ok.
”You shouldn’t love me Chase, you’ll only end up hurt” she said, “you can’t stay with me”
“Dani, I Love you” he said “I’d rather die then be without you”
Dani hinted at a smile as Chase continued to clean her up.
Dani started wearing more and clothes, less revealing than normal. Chase was scared, Dani didn’t talk about it much, Chase didn’t ask. He just kept telling her he loved her.
Chase got a call one Wednesday night about 12 months later, “Your girlfriend is in hospital, and she’s broken her leg”
Chase got there as quick as he could. She was bruise and battered again. Her father was in handcuffs in the waiting room. “What did he do?” Chase asked
“Nothing, It was my fault Dani said “ I told him I was pregnant, Chase your going to be a dad”
Chase’s frown quickly turned to a smile…
”I love you Dani, I’d rather die that live without you” he said.
Later that night Chase heard a knock on his front door…it was Dani’s father…
Without a word Chase’s was punch across the face, then in the ribs and fell to the floor. Dani came running over to Chase’s house
”DAD I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE” she screamed, “Are you ok Chase?”
“I’m fine” he replied
“You know you don’t have to out up with this, I don’t want you to get hurt anymore” she said
Chase just smiled “Dani, I love you, I’d rather die than be without you”
The Friday that followed Chase was on his way to Dani’s house, he came to a complete stop; a blue and red light was flashing on his face. Tears began to flow. The front of Dani’s place was covered in Police, and an ambulance. He dropped to his knees in the middle of the road as he watched the paramedics drag the stretcher carrying a cover body… tears started to flow as Dani’s mother came screaming from the house, trying to grab hold up the stretcher. Chase’s heart fell to pieces when he seen Chase’s dad being pulled from the front door by the police… he’s gone to far this time… Dani was murdered… Dani was dead; Chase’s Love his life was gone.
He could do nothing…His tears flowed from his eyes… it was never ending.
Her funeral was small… a few friends from school, Chase’s Dad accompanied him… Chase could only cry… He was the last one to leave the side of her casket… He kissed it… and left a folded note to be buried with her…
Chase hasn’t been seen since the funeral…
Dani and Chase were in love. Everlasting love… The words til death do us part were never more true. Chase lived with his dad was a truck driver, was hardly home, his mum had died of cancer when he was 5. He couldn’t remember anything about her. He was generally happy. After all, he was in love. Dani had a rough up bringing. Her dad was an alcoholic… Always drunk. Her mother was no better; she was a drug addict…their house always smelt of cocaine and beer. Her father grew abusive over time.
Dani went to Chase’s house one afternoon in tears… about a year after they were dating… she had a small cut above her left eye, trickling blood. She, as Chase removed her bloody blouse, it revealed her bruise ribs. Already purple. She couldn’t stop crying. Chase kissed her forehead and told her everything would be ok.
”You shouldn’t love me Chase, you’ll only end up hurt” she said, “you can’t stay with me”
“Dani, I Love you” he said “I’d rather die then be without you”
Dani hinted at a smile as Chase continued to clean her up.
Dani started wearing more and clothes, less revealing than normal. Chase was scared, Dani didn’t talk about it much, Chase didn’t ask. He just kept telling her he loved her.
Chase got a call one Wednesday night about 12 months later, “Your girlfriend is in hospital, and she’s broken her leg”
Chase got there as quick as he could. She was bruise and battered again. Her father was in handcuffs in the waiting room. “What did he do?” Chase asked
“Nothing, It was my fault Dani said “ I told him I was pregnant, Chase your going to be a dad”
Chase’s frown quickly turned to a smile…
”I love you Dani, I’d rather die that live without you” he said.
Later that night Chase heard a knock on his front door…it was Dani’s father…
Without a word Chase’s was punch across the face, then in the ribs and fell to the floor. Dani came running over to Chase’s house
”DAD I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE” she screamed, “Are you ok Chase?”
“I’m fine” he replied
“You know you don’t have to out up with this, I don’t want you to get hurt anymore” she said
Chase just smiled “Dani, I love you, I’d rather die than be without you”
The Friday that followed Chase was on his way to Dani’s house, he came to a complete stop; a blue and red light was flashing on his face. Tears began to flow. The front of Dani’s place was covered in Police, and an ambulance. He dropped to his knees in the middle of the road as he watched the paramedics drag the stretcher carrying a cover body… tears started to flow as Dani’s mother came screaming from the house, trying to grab hold up the stretcher. Chase’s heart fell to pieces when he seen Chase’s dad being pulled from the front door by the police… he’s gone to far this time… Dani was murdered… Dani was dead; Chase’s Love his life was gone.
He could do nothing…His tears flowed from his eyes… it was never ending.
Her funeral was small… a few friends from school, Chase’s Dad accompanied him… Chase could only cry… He was the last one to leave the side of her casket… He kissed it… and left a folded note to be buried with her…
Dear Dani,
I Love You, I’d rather die than be without you
Love Chase
Chase hasn’t been seen since the funeral…
Race Against Time...
She climbs the stairs to the third floor, opens the door to her apartment, Number 34B.
It’s a small apartment, with a small living room barely lit with a single light globe hanging from the ceiling that flickers every few seconds. There is a faded pink couch in the middle of the room, sitting on a shaggy, whiskey stained rug. MTV statically enlightens a small coffee table, with three legs and covered with years of rolling stone magazine and half empty coffee mugs.
She drops her fake Gucci handbag on the couch as she walks past, like she does every other the day; Making her way into the lone bedroom in her apartment. The bedroom is darker than the living room with singe bed, covered in a cigarette burnt sheet, and makeup stained pillow and a woven woolen blanket. The bedside table sits under a busted reading lamp and a overflowing ashtray. Her clothes spread all over the floor from the weeks that have past, with no obvious order. Kicking off her smoky grey heels as she passes through the door, sliding down her little black dress to the floor, revealing her gorgeous pale white silky skin, her back covered in a diorama of black tattoos that resemble the memories of pain and suffering she has felt over time. A tattoo of stitching leads from her shoulders, down across her heart, past her small, but perfect breasts and perky pink nipples. Her thin, slender cold body and disappears into her red lace g-string. She reaches her freezing cold hands with black chipped, but shiny fingernails to open the door to her bathroom, which is small than most closets in any house. She stares at herself in the mirror, exposing dark fiery red lips, spiky piercing below her bottom lip to the left of centre. She reaches up to let her hair down; long jet black straight hair covers her shoulders, her fringe falls down over her neon blue eyes, surrounded by a thick black layer of eyeliner that has been slightly smudged throughout the day. As she stares into her own eyes, she bursts into tears. Running a river of black down her face; it seems to have become a daily ritual for her. Night after night she comes home and cries herself to sleep. You can see the faded scars on both her wrists from when the days have just been to much for her to handle; Today was one of those days. She reaches into the drawer and removes a clean silver razor blade, of which she has a collection. She removes the last of her clothing and turns on her dirty shower. Before stepping in, she picks up the phones and dials a three digit number… “911, what is your emergency?” a voice says.
“I’ve cut my wrists” says the girl “I’m bleeding”
She drops the phone and steps into the shower… crashing into a ball in the corner as she makes the incisions in her wrists… as the blood begins to flow from her veins into the shower then down the drain… she leans her head against the wall… pondering whether fate will take her from this life, or if the paramedics will reach her in time. She has left it up to god to decided her fate… it’s a race against time.
It’s a small apartment, with a small living room barely lit with a single light globe hanging from the ceiling that flickers every few seconds. There is a faded pink couch in the middle of the room, sitting on a shaggy, whiskey stained rug. MTV statically enlightens a small coffee table, with three legs and covered with years of rolling stone magazine and half empty coffee mugs.
She drops her fake Gucci handbag on the couch as she walks past, like she does every other the day; Making her way into the lone bedroom in her apartment. The bedroom is darker than the living room with singe bed, covered in a cigarette burnt sheet, and makeup stained pillow and a woven woolen blanket. The bedside table sits under a busted reading lamp and a overflowing ashtray. Her clothes spread all over the floor from the weeks that have past, with no obvious order. Kicking off her smoky grey heels as she passes through the door, sliding down her little black dress to the floor, revealing her gorgeous pale white silky skin, her back covered in a diorama of black tattoos that resemble the memories of pain and suffering she has felt over time. A tattoo of stitching leads from her shoulders, down across her heart, past her small, but perfect breasts and perky pink nipples. Her thin, slender cold body and disappears into her red lace g-string. She reaches her freezing cold hands with black chipped, but shiny fingernails to open the door to her bathroom, which is small than most closets in any house. She stares at herself in the mirror, exposing dark fiery red lips, spiky piercing below her bottom lip to the left of centre. She reaches up to let her hair down; long jet black straight hair covers her shoulders, her fringe falls down over her neon blue eyes, surrounded by a thick black layer of eyeliner that has been slightly smudged throughout the day. As she stares into her own eyes, she bursts into tears. Running a river of black down her face; it seems to have become a daily ritual for her. Night after night she comes home and cries herself to sleep. You can see the faded scars on both her wrists from when the days have just been to much for her to handle; Today was one of those days. She reaches into the drawer and removes a clean silver razor blade, of which she has a collection. She removes the last of her clothing and turns on her dirty shower. Before stepping in, she picks up the phones and dials a three digit number… “911, what is your emergency?” a voice says.
“I’ve cut my wrists” says the girl “I’m bleeding”
She drops the phone and steps into the shower… crashing into a ball in the corner as she makes the incisions in her wrists… as the blood begins to flow from her veins into the shower then down the drain… she leans her head against the wall… pondering whether fate will take her from this life, or if the paramedics will reach her in time. She has left it up to god to decided her fate… it’s a race against time.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
My Life at Present...
Its not very often that I write about myself or my personal life. And what follows might be a shock to to those who think they know who I am. While it won’t detail exactly everything in my life, it might help a few people understand a few things. I guess it might not surprise people at all, just depends on the perception you have of me, but that ok, I can deal with that. That’s the beauty of being human, we can think and develop our own opinion of each other.
This is nothing more that a simple piece of writing to capture my own thoughts at this particular point in my life, mainly because I am going through some massive changes at the moment. Also, have a few big decisions to make in the coming months. Ones that will either make me or break me.
Let me begin by saying im currently not where I want to be with my life, in most aspects. I expected bigger and better things from myself for myself by this stage. So I guess you can say im not happy with everything in life at the moment, but at the same time I’m ok that. There are some things that I am happy with, so its not all doom and gloom. Which is a big thing for me to say, being as pessimistic as I am.
As many people know already im considering moving soon. I’ve recently been travelling around this great country of ours, Ive met some fantastic people and seen some great places. My move is based on a lot of things, Ive been here in Townsville for as long as I can remember. It is home, and always will be home to me. However, it is to the point where it has nothing left to offer me anymore. It is a very difficult decision for me to make, I have great friends up here, and most importantly my Mum and my brother. Leaving them behind would be the hardest part. I guess I relate it to the animal world kingdom, the young offspring leaving the nest at an early age to grow into the adult animal they need to become to survive in this cruel world of ours. So I guess its time for me to leave the nest.
Chasing bigger and better opportunities in my career. In this current economic climate there is not a lot of opportunity in Townsville, in any industry. It is also very expensive to live here, for what it is. Not many people share this view of Townsville thought, and those who do have already moved on to other places. Where am I going? Who knows… The Gold Coast at this stage, although I have always said that I will end up in Perth at some stage. Only time will tell. To be honest I don’t base my decisions on a hell of a lot of logic… could end up in Africa, who knows.
Like I said earlier, leaving family behind will be the hardest. While I’ve never had the best relationship with my mum or my brother, they have always been there for me, sacrificing a lot when they could of just said no. They have given me nearly to much, and I love them very much… even though I don’t say it nearly as much as I should. In time I know they will move as well, so hopefully it wont be to long after.
Leaving my friends behind will also be very tough. Leaving everybody you’ve grown up with, the people you share unforgettable memories with, the people that have stuck by you no matter what, the people that have helped me become who I am today. These people mean more to me than they know, and they would be missed very much.
Leaving work behind won’t be so difficult…. After all I’ll more than likely be remaining in the same company, just a new location. In saying that, there are a few people that have been fantastic mentors and role models to me in my short career, as well as outside work as well. I’ve formed some great friendships…. With many memories left to capture before I move on. I’ve also learnt a great deal of information that can help me, not only in my profession, but outside as well. I do complain a lot about work, when its really not that bad…. After a coffee… haha.
Now (the important bit)… there seems to be this conception that I’m moving for love, moving to be with someone. This isn’t entirely true…. I was moving anyway. But yes there is a element of truth to it I guess. I wouldn’t call it “love” at this stage. It’s only very early days and I believe live is something that is built over time. Therefore, I don’t believe in love at first sight, I believe in in the potential for love… I think you can feel something straight away, but it would call it love… I’d call it potential… which can be built on. That’s what I feel this is, while it is very early days I think it has the potential to be something great... and hopefully she feels this as well.
It is difficult to do I must say, when you like and want someone that is 1400kms away, its hard to stay positive. While this girl and I aren’t together per se, I like to think that when we do see each other we are, which we can build on. It’s a little bit of a complicated situation I guess. Both of us have just gotten out of long term relationships, and not really looking to get back into one at this stage, so in a way this 1400kms between us is a good thing. I think had we lived in the same city, it would be difficult for us to resist seeing each other. At least that’s what I think. But she makes me happy, and hopefully she feels the same. It’s a funny feeling to be talking to someone to the depth that we have, and not be together… and being allowed to see other people. It’s hard not to get jealous of those who can see her, when I can’t.
It’s a situation I would normally give up on, but not this time. There is something different about this girl. I believe her when she tells me she wants to see me, and kiss me, and hug me. Fall asleep with my arms around her. Calling me sweetheart. These things mean a lot to me, thought they are only words. I constantly finding myself re reading my text messages from her, they make me smile. I don’t think I’ve smiled this much in a long time. Hopefully it will grow into something great, who knows what this world has planned for us?
I’ve often been accused of falling in “love” to quickly. Which may or may not be true. Its just part of who I am I guess. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been in some good relationships over the years, while they the people I dated weren’t right for me in the end, , they’re right for someone else. While a lot of people get upset about it, I don’t think its something you should dwell on. We all get upset, but we move on, often on to better things. Look where I am now, If I hadn’t split with my ex, I might never have found myself in the great situation I find myself in now with this girl. So Good things sometimes comes from bad things.
You may have noticed I have not used any names in here, there are some secrets that need to be kept :) Those included no what I’m talking about :).
Wow…this is page 6 (A4 handwritten sheet :)) for those of you playing at home.
Those few of you that decide to read this are more than likely on my blog. Which means I’ve bugged you to read it, or you already know that I’m a bit of a writer. (I really wish I typed this because its gonna take ages to type up)
If you scroll down my blog you will find some more of my writing, mainly poetry.
Many people after reading the things I write ask me if I’m ok. I guess because of the dark nature of my stuff. I’m fine people lol… My writing generally has nothing to do with how I feel. I just seem to have this ability to write depressive stuff. Which is what I like, Tried that happy stuff, it was to easy. Most of my stuff is often based on a single word. A word that I add to a sentence, and from there… I get poems. I love writing, in brings me a lot of joy and inner peace. I never used to show many people my writing, but for some reason I decided it was time to share. Surprised a few people I think… but that’s ok, have to keep people guessing.
Hmm what else is there…
A lot of people have questioned my…fashion sense lately. Calling it “Emo” or whatever. That’s cool, I don’t care. Not gonna change me haha. I happen to like skinny jeans lol.
I don’t really care about what people think about me, It has never really bothered me, I don’t know why. Seems to work though. Everyone is different, and I don’t think they should be criticised for how they express themselves. Which is a big part of my decision to move, Townsville seems to have developed this stereotype of prude women and dickhead men. I didn’t think t much of it until I started travelling. From my perspective there is an element of truth in that statement. I think a lot of people would agree with me on that. People just seem nicer in other places, and you don’t seem to be judged as much I have found, Oh well.
Hmmm… given that its 4am and there is a cyclone floating around somewhere, I think I might call it a night. I could have kept going on forever….maybe next time. J
This is nothing more that a simple piece of writing to capture my own thoughts at this particular point in my life, mainly because I am going through some massive changes at the moment. Also, have a few big decisions to make in the coming months. Ones that will either make me or break me.
Let me begin by saying im currently not where I want to be with my life, in most aspects. I expected bigger and better things from myself for myself by this stage. So I guess you can say im not happy with everything in life at the moment, but at the same time I’m ok that. There are some things that I am happy with, so its not all doom and gloom. Which is a big thing for me to say, being as pessimistic as I am.
As many people know already im considering moving soon. I’ve recently been travelling around this great country of ours, Ive met some fantastic people and seen some great places. My move is based on a lot of things, Ive been here in Townsville for as long as I can remember. It is home, and always will be home to me. However, it is to the point where it has nothing left to offer me anymore. It is a very difficult decision for me to make, I have great friends up here, and most importantly my Mum and my brother. Leaving them behind would be the hardest part. I guess I relate it to the animal world kingdom, the young offspring leaving the nest at an early age to grow into the adult animal they need to become to survive in this cruel world of ours. So I guess its time for me to leave the nest.
Chasing bigger and better opportunities in my career. In this current economic climate there is not a lot of opportunity in Townsville, in any industry. It is also very expensive to live here, for what it is. Not many people share this view of Townsville thought, and those who do have already moved on to other places. Where am I going? Who knows… The Gold Coast at this stage, although I have always said that I will end up in Perth at some stage. Only time will tell. To be honest I don’t base my decisions on a hell of a lot of logic… could end up in Africa, who knows.
Like I said earlier, leaving family behind will be the hardest. While I’ve never had the best relationship with my mum or my brother, they have always been there for me, sacrificing a lot when they could of just said no. They have given me nearly to much, and I love them very much… even though I don’t say it nearly as much as I should. In time I know they will move as well, so hopefully it wont be to long after.
Leaving my friends behind will also be very tough. Leaving everybody you’ve grown up with, the people you share unforgettable memories with, the people that have stuck by you no matter what, the people that have helped me become who I am today. These people mean more to me than they know, and they would be missed very much.
Leaving work behind won’t be so difficult…. After all I’ll more than likely be remaining in the same company, just a new location. In saying that, there are a few people that have been fantastic mentors and role models to me in my short career, as well as outside work as well. I’ve formed some great friendships…. With many memories left to capture before I move on. I’ve also learnt a great deal of information that can help me, not only in my profession, but outside as well. I do complain a lot about work, when its really not that bad…. After a coffee… haha.
Now (the important bit)… there seems to be this conception that I’m moving for love, moving to be with someone. This isn’t entirely true…. I was moving anyway. But yes there is a element of truth to it I guess. I wouldn’t call it “love” at this stage. It’s only very early days and I believe live is something that is built over time. Therefore, I don’t believe in love at first sight, I believe in in the potential for love… I think you can feel something straight away, but it would call it love… I’d call it potential… which can be built on. That’s what I feel this is, while it is very early days I think it has the potential to be something great... and hopefully she feels this as well.
It is difficult to do I must say, when you like and want someone that is 1400kms away, its hard to stay positive. While this girl and I aren’t together per se, I like to think that when we do see each other we are, which we can build on. It’s a little bit of a complicated situation I guess. Both of us have just gotten out of long term relationships, and not really looking to get back into one at this stage, so in a way this 1400kms between us is a good thing. I think had we lived in the same city, it would be difficult for us to resist seeing each other. At least that’s what I think. But she makes me happy, and hopefully she feels the same. It’s a funny feeling to be talking to someone to the depth that we have, and not be together… and being allowed to see other people. It’s hard not to get jealous of those who can see her, when I can’t.
It’s a situation I would normally give up on, but not this time. There is something different about this girl. I believe her when she tells me she wants to see me, and kiss me, and hug me. Fall asleep with my arms around her. Calling me sweetheart. These things mean a lot to me, thought they are only words. I constantly finding myself re reading my text messages from her, they make me smile. I don’t think I’ve smiled this much in a long time. Hopefully it will grow into something great, who knows what this world has planned for us?
I’ve often been accused of falling in “love” to quickly. Which may or may not be true. Its just part of who I am I guess. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been in some good relationships over the years, while they the people I dated weren’t right for me in the end, , they’re right for someone else. While a lot of people get upset about it, I don’t think its something you should dwell on. We all get upset, but we move on, often on to better things. Look where I am now, If I hadn’t split with my ex, I might never have found myself in the great situation I find myself in now with this girl. So Good things sometimes comes from bad things.
You may have noticed I have not used any names in here, there are some secrets that need to be kept :) Those included no what I’m talking about :).
Wow…this is page 6 (A4 handwritten sheet :)) for those of you playing at home.
Those few of you that decide to read this are more than likely on my blog. Which means I’ve bugged you to read it, or you already know that I’m a bit of a writer. (I really wish I typed this because its gonna take ages to type up)
If you scroll down my blog you will find some more of my writing, mainly poetry.
Many people after reading the things I write ask me if I’m ok. I guess because of the dark nature of my stuff. I’m fine people lol… My writing generally has nothing to do with how I feel. I just seem to have this ability to write depressive stuff. Which is what I like, Tried that happy stuff, it was to easy. Most of my stuff is often based on a single word. A word that I add to a sentence, and from there… I get poems. I love writing, in brings me a lot of joy and inner peace. I never used to show many people my writing, but for some reason I decided it was time to share. Surprised a few people I think… but that’s ok, have to keep people guessing.
Hmm what else is there…
A lot of people have questioned my…fashion sense lately. Calling it “Emo” or whatever. That’s cool, I don’t care. Not gonna change me haha. I happen to like skinny jeans lol.
I don’t really care about what people think about me, It has never really bothered me, I don’t know why. Seems to work though. Everyone is different, and I don’t think they should be criticised for how they express themselves. Which is a big part of my decision to move, Townsville seems to have developed this stereotype of prude women and dickhead men. I didn’t think t much of it until I started travelling. From my perspective there is an element of truth in that statement. I think a lot of people would agree with me on that. People just seem nicer in other places, and you don’t seem to be judged as much I have found, Oh well.
Hmmm… given that its 4am and there is a cyclone floating around somewhere, I think I might call it a night. I could have kept going on forever….maybe next time. J
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Life...is just a game!
Happiness, the myth. The hunt for perfection. What is happiness? One man’s perception of happiness is another man’s living hell. What makes you happy? Do you really know? Does anybody? Pure happiness is a human imperfection. If we were all made to be happy then we all would be, simple fact of life. However in the world we live in the pursuit of happiness and superiority over everyone else is the ultimate prize. In this age it doesn’t matter how many lives you crush, or people you step on to get there, as long as you get there. Focused single-mindedly on the one goal of being better than the man standing next to you, just to look down upon him and tell him why your life is so much better than his. Which is why people reach the next phase of life….
…. Crossroads. Everyone will come across this phase. The which way do I turn Question.
You can go left, doesn’t matter what is down that road. Could be a job promotion or a pay rise. Hell you could even get fired, fact is you took that road and paid the consequences and it doesn’t matter, because we don’t care.
You could go right, Get married, have kids, win the lotto or fuck Miss September playmate of the year. I don’t care; I’d just think your one lucky son of a bitch.
Go straight ahead and continue on the path your on, remembering the if you were satisfied with continuing the way you were going then you never would have come across this crossroad in the first place.
If there is one lesson you learn in life it’s that no matter which road you take, if you turn around there’s always a big WRONG WAY TURN BACK sign. As much as we’d like to, there is no changing the past… and so the vicious circle of life continues...
…. The beginning of a new adventure in life generally starts with “Fuck it”.
Mid-life crisis, being reborn, it is all the same load of shit. Everybody, no matter who they are, will get to a stage in life where they will assess where they are in life and say FUCK IT! I don’t give a fuck what people think, I don’t care about other people, hell I just don’t care period. And with that a new resolution is born…sincerity.
Sincerity, is not people caring, it’s people pretending to care. It’s all part of the big act of life. Doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, or what makes you better than everyone else, we don’t care. While your standing there talking up how your shares fell by two percentage points, I’ll “sincerely” listen. Only enough so that I can form a response that doesn’t consist of the words “fuck you”. Meanwhile contemplating what I should do on the weekend, weather I’m gonna fuck the living shit out of the gorgeous waitress that gave me her number or what is going to be on the table to dinner when I get home. In simple terms I don’t care, I’m being sincere. Nobody cares. Not ever Family or friends. Why? Because there to busy giving a fuck about themselves. Just like everybody else.
…. Crossroads. Everyone will come across this phase. The which way do I turn Question.
You can go left, doesn’t matter what is down that road. Could be a job promotion or a pay rise. Hell you could even get fired, fact is you took that road and paid the consequences and it doesn’t matter, because we don’t care.
You could go right, Get married, have kids, win the lotto or fuck Miss September playmate of the year. I don’t care; I’d just think your one lucky son of a bitch.
Go straight ahead and continue on the path your on, remembering the if you were satisfied with continuing the way you were going then you never would have come across this crossroad in the first place.
If there is one lesson you learn in life it’s that no matter which road you take, if you turn around there’s always a big WRONG WAY TURN BACK sign. As much as we’d like to, there is no changing the past… and so the vicious circle of life continues...
…. The beginning of a new adventure in life generally starts with “Fuck it”.
Mid-life crisis, being reborn, it is all the same load of shit. Everybody, no matter who they are, will get to a stage in life where they will assess where they are in life and say FUCK IT! I don’t give a fuck what people think, I don’t care about other people, hell I just don’t care period. And with that a new resolution is born…sincerity.
Sincerity, is not people caring, it’s people pretending to care. It’s all part of the big act of life. Doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, or what makes you better than everyone else, we don’t care. While your standing there talking up how your shares fell by two percentage points, I’ll “sincerely” listen. Only enough so that I can form a response that doesn’t consist of the words “fuck you”. Meanwhile contemplating what I should do on the weekend, weather I’m gonna fuck the living shit out of the gorgeous waitress that gave me her number or what is going to be on the table to dinner when I get home. In simple terms I don’t care, I’m being sincere. Nobody cares. Not ever Family or friends. Why? Because there to busy giving a fuck about themselves. Just like everybody else.
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