Monday, March 29, 2010

I'd Rather Die Than be Without You

Dani and Chase were high school sweethearts… They met in English in there first year. Dani was a shy 14 year old girl, very slim and slender with dark eyes and a time stopping smile… although she never reveals it that often, she often wore black tights with a red pleated skirt, and black button down top that she ties at the bottom, revealing her stomach. She wasn’t very tall, wasn’t very confident and didn’t trust many people…. except the love of her life… Chase. Chase, 15, was a loner at best, very few friends. He was tall, so skinny it was scary, his hair was black thick and shiny. He wore expensive glasses, tight skinny black jeans, and whatever colour t-shirt he could find on the day.

Dani and Chase were in love. Everlasting love… The words til death do us part were never more true. Chase lived with his dad was a truck driver, was hardly home, his mum had died of cancer when he was 5. He couldn’t remember anything about her. He was generally happy. After all, he was in love. Dani had a rough up bringing. Her dad was an alcoholic… Always drunk. Her mother was no better; she was a drug addict…their house always smelt of cocaine and beer. Her father grew abusive over time.

Dani went to Chase’s house one afternoon in tears… about a year after they were dating… she had a small cut above her left eye, trickling blood. She, as Chase removed her bloody blouse, it revealed her bruise ribs. Already purple. She couldn’t stop crying. Chase kissed her forehead and told her everything would be ok.
”You shouldn’t love me Chase, you’ll only end up hurt” she said, “you can’t stay with me”
“Dani, I Love you” he said “I’d rather die then be without you”
Dani hinted at a smile as Chase continued to clean her up.

Dani started wearing more and clothes, less revealing than normal. Chase was scared, Dani didn’t talk about it much, Chase didn’t ask. He just kept telling her he loved her.

Chase got a call one Wednesday night about 12 months later, “Your girlfriend is in hospital, and she’s broken her leg”
Chase got there as quick as he could. She was bruise and battered again. Her father was in handcuffs in the waiting room. “What did he do?” Chase asked
“Nothing, It was my fault Dani said “ I told him I was pregnant, Chase your going to be a dad”
Chase’s frown quickly turned to a smile…
”I love you Dani, I’d rather die that live without you” he said.

Later that night Chase heard a knock on his front door…it was Dani’s father…
Without a word Chase’s was punch across the face, then in the ribs and fell to the floor. Dani came running over to Chase’s house
”DAD I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE” she screamed, “Are you ok Chase?”
“I’m fine” he replied
“You know you don’t have to out up with this, I don’t want you to get hurt anymore” she said
Chase just smiled “Dani, I love you, I’d rather die than be without you”

The Friday that followed Chase was on his way to Dani’s house, he came to a complete stop; a blue and red light was flashing on his face. Tears began to flow. The front of Dani’s place was covered in Police, and an ambulance. He dropped to his knees in the middle of the road as he watched the paramedics drag the stretcher carrying a cover body… tears started to flow as Dani’s mother came screaming from the house, trying to grab hold up the stretcher. Chase’s heart fell to pieces when he seen Chase’s dad being pulled from the front door by the police… he’s gone to far this time… Dani was murdered… Dani was dead; Chase’s Love his life was gone.
He could do nothing…His tears flowed from his eyes… it was never ending.

Her funeral was small… a few friends from school, Chase’s Dad accompanied him… Chase could only cry… He was the last one to leave the side of her casket… He kissed it… and left a folded note to be buried with her…

Dear Dani,

I Love You, I’d rather die than be without you

Love Chase

Chase hasn’t been seen since the funeral…

Race Against Time...

She climbs the stairs to the third floor, opens the door to her apartment, Number 34B.

It’s a small apartment, with a small living room barely lit with a single light globe hanging from the ceiling that flickers every few seconds. There is a faded pink couch in the middle of the room, sitting on a shaggy, whiskey stained rug. MTV statically enlightens a small coffee table, with three legs and covered with years of rolling stone magazine and half empty coffee mugs.

She drops her fake Gucci handbag on the couch as she walks past, like she does every other the day; Making her way into the lone bedroom in her apartment. The bedroom is darker than the living room with singe bed, covered in a cigarette burnt sheet, and makeup stained pillow and a woven woolen blanket. The bedside table sits under a busted reading lamp and a overflowing ashtray. Her clothes spread all over the floor from the weeks that have past, with no obvious order. Kicking off her smoky grey heels as she passes through the door, sliding down her little black dress to the floor, revealing her gorgeous pale white silky skin, her back covered in a diorama of black tattoos that resemble the memories of pain and suffering she has felt over time. A tattoo of stitching leads from her shoulders, down across her heart, past her small, but perfect breasts and perky pink nipples. Her thin, slender cold body and disappears into her red lace g-string. She reaches her freezing cold hands with black chipped, but shiny fingernails to open the door to her bathroom, which is small than most closets in any house. She stares at herself in the mirror, exposing dark fiery red lips, spiky piercing below her bottom lip to the left of centre. She reaches up to let her hair down; long jet black straight hair covers her shoulders, her fringe falls down over her neon blue eyes, surrounded by a thick black layer of eyeliner that has been slightly smudged throughout the day. As she stares into her own eyes, she bursts into tears. Running a river of black down her face; it seems to have become a daily ritual for her. Night after night she comes home and cries herself to sleep. You can see the faded scars on both her wrists from when the days have just been to much for her to handle; Today was one of those days. She reaches into the drawer and removes a clean silver razor blade, of which she has a collection. She removes the last of her clothing and turns on her dirty shower. Before stepping in, she picks up the phones and dials a three digit number… “911, what is your emergency?” a voice says.

“I’ve cut my wrists” says the girl “I’m bleeding”

She drops the phone and steps into the shower… crashing into a ball in the corner as she makes the incisions in her wrists… as the blood begins to flow from her veins into the shower then down the drain… she leans her head against the wall… pondering whether fate will take her from this life, or if the paramedics will reach her in time. She has left it up to god to decided her fate… it’s a race against time.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Complete and utter rambling...

I don’t ever remember not being in a confused state of mind.
I don’t ever remember having a clear head.
There has always been something bothering me.
There has also been something to tear apart my soul and ruin my day.
Some things are just in my head.
Some things are really there.
Determining what is there and what is in my head seems to be the hardest thing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really been in love
I don’t know if I’ve ever really been loved.
What is love?
What isn’t love?
Can it be defined as a single feeling?
Or is it simply to complex to understand?

Have I ever been okay?
Have I ever been Happy?
I don’t know what I want.
But I know that I want it.

You can never hurt me as much as I hurt myself….

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Fuck! Another nightmare begins, another day to follow another sleepless night. Time to drag your arse out of bed, put on your brave face and confront the world that doesn't care. You can feel yourself breaking inside, unsure of how long you can keep hiding behind a smile you don't believe in. In the downward spiral heading rapidly towards the inevitable emotional break down. The only memories that remain are those with tears... When you were torn apart. The worst thing is the fault lies with you, and now you're suffering in your shadow, with no one to answer the screams for help inside your mind. Scared to death of what awaits you. Silent answers that mean nothing to know one go unheard. Crying for a solution that isn't coming... Everyday is the same... Ending in why. You slam your door shut behind you after your day of pointless acting, to go drown yourself in a sea of tears, in the darkest corner or your mind... Waiting for the next nightmare to begin...    

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Do You Remember?

Can you remember back to the last time you felt like the world paused for “that” moment? When you were lost… In those few seconds in time where everything was perfect. When it didn’t matter what you were doing, or what the consequences were, because at that moment you were doing exactly what you wanted. We live each day not knowing when we will experience these moments again…sometimes they can be years apart. The long wait to feel those feelings again; the butterflies in your stomach, the uncontrollable smile for ear to ear, and the confidence it inspires within yourself, nearly makes those years of self doubt, sadness, sorrow and depression worth while… even though we know it will only last a few seconds... It’s worth it…

Sunday, March 21, 2010

My Life at Present...

Its not very often that I write about myself or my personal life. And what follows might be a shock to to those who think they know who I am. While it won’t detail exactly everything in my life, it might help a few people understand a few things. I guess it might not surprise people at all, just depends on the perception you have of me, but that ok, I can deal with that. That’s the beauty of being human, we can think and develop our own opinion of each other.

This is nothing more that a simple piece of writing to capture my own thoughts at this particular point in my life, mainly because I am going through some massive changes at the moment. Also, have a few big decisions to make in the coming months. Ones that will either make me or break me.

Let me begin by saying im currently not where I want to be with my life, in most aspects. I expected bigger and better things from myself for myself by this stage. So I guess you can say im not happy with everything in life at the moment, but at the same time I’m ok that. There are some things that I am happy with, so its not all doom and gloom. Which is a big thing for me to say, being as pessimistic as I am.

As many people know already im considering moving soon. I’ve recently been travelling around this great country of ours, Ive met some fantastic people and seen some great places. My move is based on a lot of things, Ive been here in Townsville for as long as I can remember. It is home, and always will be home to me. However, it is to the point where it has nothing left to offer me anymore. It is a very difficult decision for me to make, I have great friends up here, and most importantly my Mum and my brother. Leaving them behind would be the hardest part. I guess I relate it to the animal world kingdom, the young offspring leaving the nest at an early age to grow into the adult animal they need to become to survive in this cruel world of ours. So I guess its time for me to leave the nest.
Chasing bigger and better opportunities in my career. In this current economic climate there is not a lot of opportunity in Townsville, in any industry. It is also very expensive to live here, for what it is. Not many people share this view of Townsville thought, and those who do have already moved on to other places. Where am I going? Who knows… The Gold Coast at this stage, although I have always said that I will end up in Perth at some stage. Only time will tell. To be honest I don’t base my decisions on a hell of a lot of logic… could end up in Africa, who knows.

Like I said earlier, leaving family behind will be the hardest. While I’ve never had the best relationship with my mum or my brother, they have always been there for me, sacrificing a lot when they could of just said no. They have given me nearly to much, and I love them very much… even though I don’t say it nearly as much as I should. In time I know they will move as well, so hopefully it wont be to long after.

Leaving my friends behind will also be very tough. Leaving everybody you’ve grown up with, the people you share unforgettable memories with, the people that have stuck by you no matter what, the people that have helped me become who I am today. These people mean more to me than they know, and they would be missed very much.

Leaving work behind won’t be so difficult…. After all I’ll more than likely be remaining in the same company, just a new location. In saying that, there are a few people that have been fantastic mentors and role models to me in my short career, as well as outside work as well. I’ve formed some great friendships…. With many memories left to capture before I move on. I’ve also learnt a great deal of information that can help me, not only in my profession, but outside as well. I do complain a lot about work, when its really not that bad…. After a coffee… haha.

Now (the important bit)… there seems to be this conception that I’m moving for love, moving to be with someone. This isn’t entirely true…. I was moving anyway. But yes there is a element of truth to it I guess. I wouldn’t call it “love” at this stage. It’s only very early days and I believe live is something that is built over time. Therefore, I don’t believe in love at first sight, I believe in in the potential for love… I think you can feel something straight away, but it would call it love… I’d call it potential… which can be built on. That’s what I feel this is, while it is very early days I think it has the potential to be something great... and hopefully she feels this as well.
It is difficult to do I must say, when you like and want someone that is 1400kms away, its hard to stay positive. While this girl and I aren’t together per se, I like to think that when we do see each other we are, which we can build on. It’s a little bit of a complicated situation I guess. Both of us have just gotten out of long term relationships, and not really looking to get back into one at this stage, so in a way this 1400kms between us is a good thing. I think had we lived in the same city, it would be difficult for us to resist seeing each other. At least that’s what I think. But she makes me happy, and hopefully she feels the same. It’s a funny feeling to be talking to someone to the depth that we have, and not be together… and being allowed to see other people. It’s hard not to get jealous of those who can see her, when I can’t.
It’s a situation I would normally give up on, but not this time. There is something different about this girl. I believe her when she tells me she wants to see me, and kiss me, and hug me. Fall asleep with my arms around her. Calling me sweetheart. These things mean a lot to me, thought they are only words. I constantly finding myself re reading my text messages from her, they make me smile. I don’t think I’ve smiled this much in a long time. Hopefully it will grow into something great, who knows what this world has planned for us?

I’ve often been accused of falling in “love” to quickly. Which may or may not be true. Its just part of who I am I guess. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been in some good relationships over the years, while they the people I dated weren’t right for me in the end, , they’re right for someone else. While a lot of people get upset about it, I don’t think its something you should dwell on. We all get upset, but we move on, often on to better things. Look where I am now, If I hadn’t split with my ex, I might never have found myself in the great situation I find myself in now with this girl. So Good things sometimes comes from bad things.
You may have noticed I have not used any names in here, there are some secrets that need to be kept :) Those included no what I’m talking about :).

Wow…this is page 6 (A4 handwritten sheet :)) for those of you playing at home.

Those few of you that decide to read this are more than likely on my blog. Which means I’ve bugged you to read it, or you already know that I’m a bit of a writer. (I really wish I typed this because its gonna take ages to type up)

If you scroll down my blog you will find some more of my writing, mainly poetry.
Many people after reading the things I write ask me if I’m ok. I guess because of the dark nature of my stuff. I’m fine people lol… My writing generally has nothing to do with how I feel. I just seem to have this ability to write depressive stuff. Which is what I like, Tried that happy stuff, it was to easy. Most of my stuff is often based on a single word. A word that I add to a sentence, and from there… I get poems. I love writing, in brings me a lot of joy and inner peace. I never used to show many people my writing, but for some reason I decided it was time to share. Surprised a few people I think… but that’s ok, have to keep people guessing.
Hmm what else is there…

A lot of people have questioned my…fashion sense lately. Calling it “Emo” or whatever. That’s cool, I don’t care. Not gonna change me haha. I happen to like skinny jeans lol.

I don’t really care about what people think about me, It has never really bothered me, I don’t know why. Seems to work though. Everyone is different, and I don’t think they should be criticised for how they express themselves. Which is a big part of my decision to move, Townsville seems to have developed this stereotype of prude women and dickhead men. I didn’t think t much of it until I started travelling. From my perspective there is an element of truth in that statement. I think a lot of people would agree with me on that. People just seem nicer in other places, and you don’t seem to be judged as much I have found, Oh well.

Hmmm… given that its 4am and there is a cyclone floating around somewhere, I think I might call it a night. I could have kept going on forever….maybe next time. J

Friday, March 19, 2010

Leave Me Alone

I come through the door, upstairs and into the bathroom to confront them…
I have had enough..
“What are you still doing here? I thought I told you to leave?
You’ve caused me nothing but Fucking trouble. All your lies, all the deceit. Leave me the fuck alone. Stop trying to control my life. All you ever do is bring me down, swear at me, use me, abuse me I’ve had enough of your shit, find someone else to torment. You’ve cut me and bruised me beyond reason. The pills no longer help, the alcohol does nothing. So now its time for you to get the fuck out of my head, out of my house and out of my life. FUCK OFF… I hate coming home, every fucking day and having to talk to you, and look at You. You Fucking disgust me, look at yourself... You are a sad excuse for a person. You mean fucking nothing to me you piece of shit. Never fucking talk to me again. It is you who I never Ever want to see”

As I left the bathroom it dawned on me, I was looking in the mirror… Screaming at me.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010 just a game!

Happiness, the myth. The hunt for perfection. What is happiness? One man’s perception of happiness is another man’s living hell. What makes you happy? Do you really know? Does anybody? Pure happiness is a human imperfection. If we were all made to be happy then we all would be, simple fact of life. However in the world we live in the pursuit of happiness and superiority over everyone else is the ultimate prize. In this age it doesn’t matter how many lives you crush, or people you step on to get there, as long as you get there. Focused single-mindedly on the one goal of being better than the man standing next to you, just to look down upon him and tell him why your life is so much better than his. Which is why people reach the next phase of life….

…. Crossroads. Everyone will come across this phase. The which way do I turn Question.

You can go left, doesn’t matter what is down that road. Could be a job promotion or a pay rise. Hell you could even get fired, fact is you took that road and paid the consequences and it doesn’t matter, because we don’t care.

You could go right, Get married, have kids, win the lotto or fuck Miss September playmate of the year. I don’t care; I’d just think your one lucky son of a bitch.

Go straight ahead and continue on the path your on, remembering the if you were satisfied with continuing the way you were going then you never would have come across this crossroad in the first place.

If there is one lesson you learn in life it’s that no matter which road you take, if you turn around there’s always a big WRONG WAY TURN BACK sign. As much as we’d like to, there is no changing the past… and so the vicious circle of life continues...

…. The beginning of a new adventure in life generally starts with “Fuck it”.
Mid-life crisis, being reborn, it is all the same load of shit. Everybody, no matter who they are, will get to a stage in life where they will assess where they are in life and say FUCK IT! I don’t give a fuck what people think, I don’t care about other people, hell I just don’t care period. And with that a new resolution is born…sincerity.
Sincerity, is not people caring, it’s people pretending to care. It’s all part of the big act of life. Doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, or what makes you better than everyone else, we don’t care. While your standing there talking up how your shares fell by two percentage points, I’ll “sincerely” listen. Only enough so that I can form a response that doesn’t consist of the words “fuck you”. Meanwhile contemplating what I should do on the weekend, weather I’m gonna fuck the living shit out of the gorgeous waitress that gave me her number or what is going to be on the table to dinner when I get home. In simple terms I don’t care, I’m being sincere. Nobody cares. Not ever Family or friends. Why? Because there to busy giving a fuck about themselves. Just like everybody else.

Monday, March 8, 2010

So Sinister

Your kiss is so sinister, filled with pleasure and pain, but when our lives are over our love will remain.

You are my demon, black leather and lace, beat me and whip me, make me scream out my face.

Be rough, don’t be gentle, make me feel pain, for when it comes my turn, you’ll be screaming my name.

Bloods seep through the markings, like when evil attacks, bruises and grazes, scratches all down my back.

Tied to the bed head, all cover in sweat; you lower your body, so soft and wet.

Faster and harder, your body starts to shake, your trembling and moaning, the silence it breaks.

The noises get louder, there’s an arch in your back, with ones massive scream, the windows they crack.

The movements grow slower, your breathing slows down, with one naughty smile, your move your head down.

You tongue starts to tease me, sends me insane, you laugh like the devil, like its some sort of game.

But some games are made for two and my turn is next, the room is getting steamy and smells like rough sex.

I roll your body over, lay you on your back, I’m deep between you thighs, and again the windows crack.

There’s thunder and lighting, the fire it glows, you push my head down, you’re about to explode.

Three massive breathes, then one loud and slow, you scream and you pout, you yell and you moan.

So softly you kiss me, it tastes so damn sweet, you lay down beside me, you drift off to sleep.

Fallen Soldier

A war does not decide who is wrong or right.
But standing tall and marching proud we send our soldiers off to fight.
Days and weeks and months on end, we go without sleep.
On those same dark nights he's wide awake, through the desert he must creep
Your nightmares, you are horrified, these nightmares just can't be.
But those nightmares that you have are all his eyes can see.
Every minute seems so slow when you lay awake in bed
You wonder what his thoughts would be, what's going through his head.
To the morning news you wake, "another Aussie soldier falls"
You shed burning tears of sadness, and of joy he wasn’t yours.
The news said he died with honour; he's done his country proud.
Did he die for an endless fight, in a war that wasn’t ours?
His death will change everything, a widow from a wife
A grieving mother's heartbreak, a fatherless child for life.

Suicidal Thinking...

What doesn't exist can't hurt you,
What can't hurt you doesn't exist.
Agony is the feeling of being alive.
This is why pain can never hurt the dead,
I've never been one to consider suicide an option,
but I can see the appeal it must have to some.
Seems like an easy way out, which it is.
Though I would never question the motives of those who take that path,
I must wonder what could have been so unbearable that they decided to end it all.
End the pain and suffering.
It might be something that is a simple, little insignificant problem.
These Little Problems might be the threshold for another.
An issue that forces them to make the toughest decision of their life,
or the end of their life for that matter.
Must be an immense amount of pain to make that call to end it all....

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Giving Up!

Take my life, for I am no longer worthy of it,
Take my soul, so I cannot sell it,
Take my heart for it is no use to me in pieces.
I have failed myself, and my life.
There is no future for me here,
I have exhausted my will to live.
I wish to surrender to the greater man,
And sacrifice myself, to rid the world of my disease.

Evil Angel

Like the eyes of creatures gazing down, at every tear that hits the ground.

The falling love which was to end, the falling of a dear friend.

The Darkness falls and shadows gloom, in the corner she cries of her empty room

The evil angel is on the way; She’s come to take her life today.

A father, a son, a Daughter or mother. This Angel won’t care for any other.

And with another Heart that will stop to beat. All the grief and sadness will repeat.

The angel sits on the end of the bed, her victim cries.. all the words unsaid.

Yet another life becomes apart of history, another family engulfed with misery.

The Evil Angel waits up in high the sky… Til The next life, passes by.

To You, From Me!

As the sun sets upon another day, let those fears and nightmares fade away.
Though your eyes are filled with tears and your face darkened by a frown,
Tomorrow dawns a new life, a new hope, and a new day for you to show the world your beautiful smile.

Let no one stand in your way, stand tall and fight hard. Believe you can achieve, believe in yourself, believe in your ideas, and believe in your heart that you will make your life yours, and let no one tell you which way to turn and which roads to take.

You are Unique, You are very special, and you are you because nobody else is. You are what makes you, you. You are no one else but you! So be you, say things that you want to, believe in what you want to, do what you want to, love what you want to. You decide what you do.

Don’t be afraid to cry, because even the strongest have shed tears. Never forget that I am here for you, with you and within you every step of the way. I believe in you.
Even when I am miles away, I have never been so close.

Wipe those tears from your pretty face; open your arms to my warm embrace. I am your friend, your shoulder for tears, your ears to speak to and your guidance and advice, from my heart to yours.

Pledge not to dwell in the past, pledge to cry tears that need to be shed, pledge to smile when you’re happy and frown when you’re sad, be strong for the weak….

Believe in you, in your life and in your future… the script of your life is there to be written…

The pen is in your hands….


You can only do so much from above. No matter how much you wish you could do more, watching is all we have. I have watched her suffer, I’ve seen her cry for nights, days, weeks, and months on end. I’ve seen her desperate attempts to alleviate her pain. But only a temporary reprieve comes from her white powder. The devils morphine only numbs the pain enough for her to fall asleep. Waking up, again cause pain, the self inflicted kind, thought this matters not to her as any disguise for her real misery is seen as a godsend. Her sadness affects me, as well as her. I feel helpless, wanting to be her Savior, her knight in shinning armour if you like. Night after night I’ve watched her cry herself to sleep. She has lost all respect for herself. She cares not for anything, and feels she has nothing. She has me. She does not know of my existence, for to her and the world I do not exist. I wish I did. Some how I would find a way to cure her pain, abolish the memories that’s are killing her, the memories she cannot forgot, the memories I cannot forget. I long to touch her just once. Feel her gorgeous, cold, pale white skin, run my fingers through her silky, shinny, jet-black hair. I yearn to wipe her running make-up from her cheek. Tell her that I am here, and that I love her, and that it will be ok. I would hold her, care for her, and never leave her side, as I have never let her out of my sight. I was there the day her mother brought her into this world, and I was there when her mother was taken from hers. Her sister died while picking her up, a car accident, pronounced dead on the scene. Killed by the stupidity of a drunk driver. She could do nothing, pinned to the passenger seat as she watched her sister’s life fade in front of her own eyes. She blames herself for her sister’s death. She was meant to catch a cab that night, but she had no money, instead it cost her the life of her younger sister, age 17. Her mother had died 3 months prior, sudden case of breast cancer got the better of her, age 43.
Her Father left when she was 7, Her last memories of her father was him walking out the door, her mother crying on the floor holding her face from where he hit her. No one has heard from him since. The last memories of all her family are memories she’d rather forgot. These are the memories that haunt her day after day, the more time goes by the more broken she becomes. She’s like a time bomb just waiting to hit zero. Once upon a time she was a happy, vibrant young woman, in a past life it almost seems now. Her happy memories cease to exist. Pain and suffering is all she knows, and she knows not how to endure it. Drugs, alcohol… nothing works. Depression is her happiest emotion. It’s only down from there. She has nothing left. She left her hometown, in a hope to start again, but nothing ever started, she has lost contact with all her friends and her pain continues to get more severe. I want top help her, I want to be her antidote. Inside and out she is a shattered woman, behind all the memories, and all the tears there is perfection. I will never get to see it, nor will anyone else. She will continue to cry, to scream silently. To her, her life is over, she is just breathing. She didn’t have a choice on life, she was just born. She has a choice on death. Her life can end, or she can end her life. Inevitably, she will die depressed, devastated and broken. She will drown in her sorrow, and it will end in tears… She will, die in pain.
I cannot do a lot from above, as much as I wish… I can only watch… and wait.

The End

She’s tried before, and failed. The story of her life it seems. Trying to escape the harsh reality that is her world. Drink after drink, Pill after pill… Trying desperately to extinguish the agony that penetrates her heart deeper than any ocean. Pointless sexual encounters that only end in a river of black tears and a mascara stained pillow. Scars on her wrist symbolise her previous efforts. She’s been so close to a bloody relief before; but tonight marks the end of her tragic life. With a locked door and loud music, no one will hear her scream, just as no one has heard her screams for salvation before. However, tonight will not be a cry for help, just a scream of sweet surrender. To her this pain and anguish is far less than what she faces day to day.
As her blood runs down her pale arm, through her weary fingers, mixing with her sea of salty tears, she is content…satisfied.
In her final heartbeats there is a smile… her pain she lived her life with is gone forever in her death. Burned and buried as if it had never existed.

Behind Closed Doors

Behind closed doors the moonlight shines only bright enough to illuminate the shadows of a dark past, The path that had been traveled to many times had become somewhat unrecognizable, yet not disguisable to herself. The passageway to the deepest circle of her inner soul. Where even pure beauty shows more flaws than perfections. A place that encircles memories that induced the black mascara sea beneath her teary, yet painfully gorgeous eyes. In even her saddest of days she could melt the ice off the coldest hearts. Her disbelief in herself provoked the self belief in others. She is an angel with a scarred heart and broken wings, black as coal. But she is an Angel none the less. In the day she is like you and I. in the dark she cries herself to sleep. Her drugs only dull the pain, slowly killing her inside. One can only take so much hurt. Once the powdered relief fades, she becomes more broken than she was in the hours before. Recent memories pass thought her mind unnoticed. The innermost painful memories still haunt her. As she delicately steps out of her 3rd floor apartment, she again turns into everybody’s Savior. The Savior that she longs for deep inside. As the hours tick by, she sits at her desk knowing full well what the night holds for her. The beautiful woman that left her apartment this morning will turn into a girl shattered by an excruciating recollection of a life she once lived. A life known only in her apartment… behind closed doors.


I have never felt such a desire to play a part in something wrong
And be it not for the first time, we would never know it felt right
I have an addiction to the touching of our skin, it’s like a drug
Every taste makes the addiction stronger, and the release twice as sweet
Do not deny me my fixed of greed and guilt, use me and abuse me how you see fit.
Committing the sin in secret heightens our senses, in an act that is a socially unacceptable, and morally
fucked up
An act so wrong to the world that it’s so right for us, Let them never know of our furtive behaviour
Let the disgust with ourselves fuel every moment.
It’s an endless desire that can never be fulfilled, yet we crave for it like a vampire for blood.
Giving in to our craving was the beginning of our mistake, now such passion cannot be fought against
Nor can it see the light of day.
Let them never know we have given in to the forbidden temptation.
What once was a fantasy is now a reality.
A reality that only we know we live in.

A Life No More

As the darkness falls all around you, and your tears run black as the night,
Throw your head on my shoulder, tonight’s not the time we say goodbye.
The bruises have never been so painful; the cuts have never been so deep.
Lay your head down in relief, and bleed into the deepest sleep.

Room once filled with hopes and dreams, all to long ago it seems, now
Bloody sheets of misery, razor blades and memories. Broken glass on the floor a tissue box that helps no more.
A broken heart that burns with pain, drowning in mascara rain.

Deafened by her own silent screams, a precious life atrophy
A river black from eyes to cheek, she’s nothing left, a heart so weak.
Wounds reopened, Crimson Red, pages unturned and words unsaid.
An excruciating ecstasy, yet a picture perfect catastrophe.

Blood fingerprints on the life she tore, her life that was, but is no more.

Written by Daniel Telford-O'Donnell, 2008.