Friday, November 12, 2010


When your head tells you it shouldn't hurt, though your heart say it
does. Do you just your head, or your heart?
Am I the only one who sees it that way. It's not much, just enough for
me to think twice. I don't want to analyse it, because it'll only
worry me more.
Will they think you're stupid? Probably.
But at least it's out there.
A person that asks is a fool at first, a per that doesn't is a fool
forever... What kind of fool are you?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Red Nail Relief

She lives in a world,
Where everything she does is wrong,
Where she opens her mouth and says something erroneous,
She open her eyes and see something she isn't suppose to.
She opens her ears and hear things she doesn't want to hear.
She touches what she shouldn't
She walks where she shouldn't
So she sits in her shell and hides
Hiding everything through fear.
Afraid to do anything because it WILL be wrong. She can't handle much
more. She scratches at her wrists with her red painted fingernails,
even that minor pain relieves her...
It won't take much to push her over the edge...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

You make me Smile! :-)

I remember the first time I saw you, in the kitchen at my cousins.
I remember the first time we kissed, in the front courtyard at your
I remember the first time we fell asleep together, naked on the sofabed.
I remember the time we kissed, the first Friday after I moved here.
I remember the first time we slept together, the Saturday that followed.
The first shower together,
The movies on the couch,
The sneaking in the night, just so we could see each other.
The feeling of not knowing weather or not you'd be mine,
The feeling when you told me you wanted to be with me,
The feeling when you told me you loved me.

Every moment i have spent with you is a moment I will never forget.
Any every moment that isn't yet, soon will be.
These memories get me through each day,
These memories make me smile.
You make me smile.
I love you! Xoxo

Monday, October 18, 2010

Little Do You Know

Little do you know,

that you saved me from what would have been my end,

Little do you know,

That you pulled me back away from the edge.

Little do you know,

How far I would of gone to be by your side,

Little do you know,

How much it hurt to watch you walk on by.

Little did you know,

That I loved you,

and Little did you know,

That I cried.

Little do you know,

You are my miracle,

Little do you know,

How much I need you, my angel.


Little did I know…

Little did I know…

Little did I know that you were there.

Monday, September 27, 2010

By Your Side

When the world doesn't see you for what you are, when the world forces
you to hide yourself, when you feel
Like crawling into a corner and curling up, when you think you can't
handle it anymore... Take my hand, I'll guide you through the dark
days back onto the light... Blindly take each step forward. I will
never let you go.

"I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever, I'll be
there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven"

Forever we will walk alone, together.
Dark or light, I'm by your side.
Holding your hand.... I won't let go.

Lyrics taken from "Your Guardian Angel" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Puzzle

Rip, rip, rip
Tear, tear, tear
Slowly the tiny pieces fall to the ground
So small we don't even realise it's falling apart.
So small that even if we did know, we couldn't regather them.
The longer the pieces fall, the bigger they get
The more noticable they become.
Before we no it they become too large to pick up.
And the small pieces that used to hold them together,
Were gone long ago.
No matter how big a puzzle is, it's never complete without the
smallest piece.
Do you have all you pieces?

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Today is one of those days for me,
You know the ones I'm talking about,
The days you feel so weak, so helpless,
Where you just want to crawl back into bed in your fragile state of
Because you are afraid that people will break through the barrier today.
Afraid that maybe today just isn't your day.
We all have these days, when you feel like any conflict is going to
make you cry.
It's nobodys fault, and nothing has happened to make you feel this
way. It's just the way today is meant to be I guess.
We just have to step lightly, not say to much and just keep to
ourselves. If we stay out if the way of others then we should be fine,
we should make it through the next 24 hours.
Today isn't my day, maybe it isn't yours either.
But there will always be a tomorrow, we will live to fight another day.

Monday, July 12, 2010


As the tables turn and the melodies ring out; our hearts play and
dance and beat in time, floating free like butterflies lingering in
the summer's evening breeze. It's these care free moments that shape
our happiness and forge that smile upon our face, a smile so strong we
couldn't fake a frown if we wanted to. We wouldn't dare be different
from ourselves, absorbed into our own little world. Laughing at
laughter, smirking at smiles. Being silly, just because we can.
Perfectly harmless and happy... Uncomplicated... Simple, the way life
should be. Its these moments that will become our greatest memories.
No matter where life will take us, we will look back and smile. These
memories have shaped me. Let your heart and soul take you on a wayward
journey.... Take the path less that someone
different... Be that butterfly in the breeze.

Friday, July 9, 2010

That's Okay

3 words, I “Something” You, it seems saying these three words is harder than finding that “something”. We all know what that “something” is…Love.
See, that wasn’t so difficult, was it?
I know you don’t love me, that’s okay,
I know you love him, and that’s okay too.
I’ll still chase you like a lovesick puppy.
We’ll have our fun, like we have been.

I love how we can be when we are with each other. And even though it may mean nothing to you, it means the world to me.
I love the way you look at me
I love the way you always smile
I love the way you wrap your arms around me
I love the way your hands find mine even in the dark
I love the way you kiss me, on my lips and on my neck
I love the few mornings I get to wake up beside you
I love the way you let me be myself when I’m with you
I love the way we can plan our fake wedding, covering every detail.
I love everything about you. I won’t lie; I want you to be mine.

It’s never going to happen, but that’s okay.
People think I’m stupid, they try warning me not to get to attached because it could end in heartbreak. That’s true, and probably right, but doesn’t everything end in heartbreak. At the moment I’m happy. Why ruin that?
Sure the day will come that you will move on, but that’s okay.
I think I’m prepared for that, doesn’t mean I’m giving up on you though.
Maybe one day it’ll happen, but if it doesn’t, that’s okay.
One day you might hear me say those 3 words, you might run, you might not and maybe you might just say them back; I don’t know, but that’s okay.
I’m happy now, thanks to you.
People don’t approve of us, but as long as I have you, I’ll be okay.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Run or Stay?

Half of me is saying run, the other half is saying stay. Run and
forget? Or stay and hurt? It shouldn't be a hard decision, but it is.
You've got my head in a spin girl. You know I want you, I know you
don't want me. Why is it a hard decision? How much punishment am I
going to put myself through before I learn? I would do anything and
everything, but still get nothing. The worst thing is knowing exactly
what the outcome will be. I'm in too deep to pull myself out. I'm only
opening myself up to get hurt again, shattered again. Question is...
how much can you take, before it breaks you..?

Monday, June 28, 2010


I'm afraid to live this life sober, without the alcoholic silhouette
the world would be much colder. I look through these jealous eyes, and
see a happier you without me by your side. Trying to paint a new
picture, that will only be tarred with the same brush like those who
have gone before. I can't stand the pain, but I can't be the real me
without it. I can't hide it! Screaming to fade away, into the shadows
where I'll never have to be seen. We were never warned, never helped,
just left to suffer, expected to learn from mistakes that we haven't
made yet. Told to keep holding on by people who have already let go.
When we finally figure out what not to do, it's too late. We have
already ran our course... Our fate of failure. We all want it, we all
need it, but we are all to afraid to ask for it... HELP!

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I can't promise you the world,
I can't promise you I'll be rich,
I can't promise that I'll always say the right things,
I can't promise that I'll always get it right,
I can't promise you diamonds or gold,
I can't promise to take you nice places,
I can't promise I'll never hurt you,
I can't promise that I won't make you cry.

I promise that I will try,
I promise that I'll tell you that you're gorgeous everyday, because
you are everyday.
I promise to be by your side no matter what.
I promise I will do all in my power to see you smile everyday.
I promise to pick you up when you fall,
I promise that for as long as you're willing to have me, I want to be
This I promise...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Rain On Me

I wish it would rain. For 40 days and nights. I would not need an ark
or shelter. I want this storm to wash everything away. So I can start
again. The memories, the pain, the thoughts, the scars and the words
I've heard. Drown them all. Let me rebuild, let me start from scratch.
Deafen me with the thunder, blind me with lightning and strike me down
with your tsunami. I want to forget this world I live in, if you can
call it living. Leave me with nothing, nothing but puddles of hope.
Rid me of all emotion. I want to forget how to love, how to hurt, how
to cry. Is it to much to ask? Let me start again. Clean slate, empty
script. No memories of the past, no visions of the future. Just show
me the new present. They say drowning is peaceful... Let me go
peacefully today. Rebirth me into a new world tomorrow, with no
recollection of where I have been...
That's where I want to be there... Now.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Breaking's what the heart is for

I wish I could be one of those people that have never experienced pain
or heartbreak. Would make life a whole lot easier. Or maybe just take
out my heart completely. Imagine that, if we didn't need it to live. I
hate the fact that I want something so far out of my reach. With not a
hope of touching it or even coming close for that matter. The
stitching on my heart is wearing thin, It won't take much more for it
to snap. I will then be left with 1000 pieces.... Again. Fuck I hate
myself for putting me in this spot. I hate it... If the wounds were
any deeper they'd penetrate the other side of me. The worst thing is
that I know I can stop if I want to... But I won't. I once was told
that if you want something bad enough you will get it. Whoever started
that obviously got everything they wished for, and to them I say fuck
you. Step into my shoes for once. Try being dragged along the concrete
at 1000 miles an hour...try not getting anything you want... You do
that then you can pull out all the analogies you want. I hope there is
such thing as genies and shooting stars... Because I need a wish right

Monday, June 7, 2010

Little Death

Push me against your front door, grab my head and pull yourself in to
me. Bite my lip, taste my tongue while you fumble for your keys. Slam
the door, coats to the floor, hearts pumping, blood rushing.
Grab me, throw me down. I can see the desire in your eyes.
There is no mistaking the things you want right now.
Rip apart my shirt, drag your nails down my chest. Pull that sexy red
dress off over you head. Kiss down my body, blue eyes staring up at me.
Pull of my belt, tear down my jeans. Me sitting you straddle. Deep
breathes, quiet moans... Pull my hair... Tear my back to shreds.
Shaking and trembling, breathing turns to screams... Bouncing breasts
as you grind. My hands on your behind.
Arched back, silent screams... Out of breath... The little death.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Murdering Love

You're painful, you hurt.
Its like you're holding a knife in front of you, each time we get closer, the knife sinks deeper into my heart, The closer you get the more it hurts, but the more it hurts, the more I want...
The wound gets deeper. Then you pull away, pull out the knife. Leaving me with blood-covered hands, holding a needle and thread, trying to stitch the pieces back together.

Midnight Musing

I hate the quiet
It allows me to think
I hate thinking, hurts too much
Some nights in winter, I turn on the air conditioner
Just so there is a familiar noise so I can fall asleep.

I love the cold
It gives me an excuse to hide
I can lock myself in my room for hours. Just to keep warm
I can’t sleep unless it’s cold. I don’t know why
I guess its just a mental thing, or maybe not.

I like Alcohol
It allows me to relax
Not think too much about the real world
I probably drink too much, but only because I can’t bring myself to smoke
That’s nothing against smokers; I know how relieving it can be.

I hate being alone
It scares me to death
Is loneliness a life sentence? Is there an end to it?
Trying to reach out for something that isn’t really there
We sit and hope that one day there will be someone at the end of our outstretched arms.

I love the dark,
Not being able to see used to scare me
I guess because I couldn’t see what was coming.
But now that I think about it, I’d rather not know what the world had planned for me.
I think it’s better being in the dark. After all, what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Life No More (Version 2)

As the darkness falls all around you, and your tears run black as the night,
You have run out of shoulders to cry on, you know it’s the night you’ll say goodbye.
The bruises have never been so painful; the cuts have never been so deep.
Lay your head down in relief, and bleed into the deepest sleep.

Room once filled with hopes and dreams, all to long ago it seems, now
Bloody sheets of misery, razor blades and memories. Broken glass on the floor a tissue box that helps no more.
A broken heart that burns with pain, drowning in mascara rain.

Deafened by her own silent screams, a precious life atrophy
A river black from eyes to cheek, she’s nothing left, a heart so weak.
Wounds reopened, Crimson Red, pages unturned and words unsaid.
An excruciating ecstasy, yet a picture perfect catastrophe.

Blood fingerprints on the life she tore, her life that was, but is no more.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

There is a Girl

There is a girl,
I adore her,
I want her,

Her eyes, I'm mesmorised
Her smile, makes me melt
Her skin, so soft
Her touch, so caring
Her embrace, I long for
Her kiss, to die to for
Her body, I want to explore
Her hands, I want to hold
Her voice, like an angel

There is a girl,
I adore her,
I want her,
I can't have her...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Unusually Enough

As the Monday morning melody flies through the air, the taste of her sweet lips still linger on mine. 
The shape of her tiny body is still imprinted in my arms. 
The memories of her from the weekend gone will be held until they are replace by the ones from the next engagement.
Caressing on the couch with our bodies intertwined, saying nothing because words are not needed. 
I can't bare the thought of tearing my eyes away from her. 
She lays across me, her head buried in my neck, these are moments of perfection in my eyes. 
Though I cannot call her mine always, I can for these brief moments. 

Which unusually feels like enough.

Friday, May 14, 2010

All The Same

The words that come out of our mouths are more often than not just a
misinturpretation of what we think we hear in our minds. We shelter
our thoughts inside ourselves, hiding the truth and holding back.
Afraid of what the so called real world will think of the real you!
Unfortunately silence prevails in the morden world. Hiding under our
masks we drift through life unaware that we are living as who the
world thinks we should be, by the time we realise, we are already
consumed by our fake reality and have forgotten what we were really
like. Personality is no longer personal. We cannot lay here and
pretend we are not manipulated by outer forces. We are controlled by
the stereotypes forced upon us. We are slowly becoming like robots.
One day we will all be the same person.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Take Me...

Tear me from this messy world, ignite the dynamite stick that will end all that is for me.
Prepare my place in hell, my bed of nails awaits me.
Let eternity begin, its my time to dance with the devil.
I've out lived this life already, now I only rise to fall again, what is the
Bury me or burn me, I am ready.
Death only hurts the first time.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Cleansing My Soul

I cannot continue to live consumed by the thought of you, the thoughts
of you that are raping my mind. My addiction to you is not healthy and
is slowly and painfully desecrating my spirit. Slay the feelings of
nostalgia I have, remove the memories that gives me this notion! I
will not be drowned by the newfangled wave of lies. I will not let
your minacious words empale my weary heart. Let me be set free by your
unwillingness to care, Let my broken wings carry me from this life,
and infused me in another. Let the weight of my habituation to your
faults be lifted. The seduction will hang with my old self by a noose
in a metaphoric closet inside myself! Where your devilish acts will be
burned at the stake, never to reappear in this life. I am rid of you!
I am finally me!

Monday, May 10, 2010

55-Interupted Clarity

Clear views through twisted eyes, Shadows from invisible objects.
Staring into nothingness, dreams and fantasies in black and white,
Nightmares in full vivid colour. Can't tell the difference between a window and a mirror,
either way you can't see your true self between the shatter marks,
Upside down in an inside out kind of world.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Off My Chest

Many of us stumble through this life without a purpose, or so it seems. We are just drifters of reality, taking on whatever comes our way. Waiting for that moment that will throw us into our fate and put us on the road to our destiny.
It’s impossible to predict how anything will end, if it ends. That can be life, love, career… anything. The only way we can reach the end of anything is to take the journey. Ignorance is the key to longevity with anything, as the more we learn about something, the more inclined we are to end it because we see its tainted imperfections. It is not a matter of anything being perfect; it’s a matter of the positives outweighing the negatives. In this world, we focus on the negatives far to often. “Why did it fail?” instead of “What was good about it?” This is why we never learn; this is why 50% of marriages end in divorce, this is why the world is at war.

I often hear people say, “Well that was a waste of “X” years” or “There’s a chunk of my life I won’t get back” at the end of a relationship. This is taking the negative out of a situation that can be seen as a positive given the right mindset. I know this is very hypocritical coming from me, but I’m the first to admit that I never take my own advice. Why not focus on the positive things, like what you learned. What you can and can’t handle within a relationship, or what simple little things annoy you. People ask, “How come things are different to how they were when we first dating? Why did they change?” Truth is they probably didn’t change, you just learnt more about the other person with time. I’m willing to bet that if you were to learn nothing more about the person you were dating after 3 months, there would be no problem. Ignorance is bliss ladies and gentlemen.

I am a pessimist, which has moments of optimism. That’s just the way I am. I believe its better to assume the worst because anything better is seen as a bonus. People don’t like it, but that’s me, that’s how I deal with the world. I’d rather be relieved if news isn’t as bad than was first expected, than be disappointed when its when I assumed it would be fine. I’ll tell you that it’s not an easy way to live, but for me there is no turning back. I’ve been let down far to often to even begin to hint towards a positive outcome from any situation, again that is hypocritical considering what I’ve written above.

Hopefully, I can help prevent others ending up like me. Enough people come to me for advice that if I was a counsellor I’d never have to work another day in my life. That’s fine with me, though young; I have a lot of advice to give. Be it through experience or just watching the world, I have answers to questions I wish I didn’t have. However, if I use them to help then I guess it’s not so bad. I have an opinion on almost everything, which comes in handy considering I’m pretending to be a writer.

I’ll leave you with this thought. Many people, like myself have no clear direction of what we are looking for. We are not sure what we want, but we know that we want it and we want it now… however…

If you don’t know what you’re looking for, how will you know when you find it?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Why, Why, Why?

With a look she passed on that dreadful night,
A look of fear, pain and fright.
But there she lay on her stone cold bed,
As the sheets were pulled up over her head.

Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?

She left late, off home to bed, the night was dark, the roads were wet.
She checked her phone, and what to see,
But 4 missed calls from hey beloved Daddy.

She calls him back without a wait,
“Don’t stay up, I’ll be home late”

With that she did what she had to do,
Her 4 last words, “I love you to”

Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?

To quick she turned, she scrapped the pole, she closed her eyes, she lost control.

The car spun, her life flashed, the tyres screeched, the glass smashed.

That moment went so slow it seemed,
As she let out her final scream.

Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?

The phone it rang, the time was 3,
Her mother thought, “Who must that be?”

The dreaded call to end it all,
Her mother screamed, the phone did fall.

The tears flowed, the body showed,
“Is this your daughter, yes or no?”

Her father weeps; her mother cries…3 small words…
Why? Why? Why?

Her friends, her lover, her family cry.
The time has come to say goodbye.

The hugs and flowers will never do,
To ease the pain that they’ve gone through.

Her father weeps; her mother cries…those 3 sad words


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

You and me

You were always there for me, whenever I would need someone... You
were there. When you needed me... I would come from wherever I was...
just for you. There for each other... Always.
Through the heartbreak, it was you and me.
Through the pain, it was you and me.
Through the darkest days, you and me!
When we had nothing, we had each other. It was you and me!
We promised we would always be there! Whenever, wherever, we would
come through. I'd call, You'd be there. You called, I'd leave straight
away. We were each other rock, each others angel, each others shoulder
to cry on. We were
Perfectly terrible, you and me!
Always feeling sad, always feeling lost... But we were never lonely.
It's was you and me!
I would never let you fall, I'll be there always...

Then one day I wasn't there... The one day you needed me the most, I
was too late! I broke my promise like it meant nothing. I could of
saved you! Now I'm alone. It was always you and me... it's just me....god decided to take you away from me.
But Heaven shouldn't have you yet, please come home...please...I miss
you... I miss you and me.

Friday, April 30, 2010

The Morning After

Bright sun rays through a dark room,
Dark thoughts run through a once vivid mind

Black stains on a white pillow,
White stains on the black sheets

Cocaine covered coffee table,
Empty wine bottles on the kitchen bench

Red dress crumpled at the bedroom door,
Empty condom packets on the bedroom floor

Broken glass embedded in the recliner,
A shattered heart barely beats in her chest

Bathroom light flickers,
Blood stains ubiquitous

Another pointless night is over,
Another painful nightmare begins

Once a blissful place,
When did it all go wrong?

Head in her hands,
Tears drip through her fingers

Here she goes again,


Tuesday, April 27, 2010


He is lost, he is scared, he doesn't know what to do, where to go,
what to say.
He has always been there for others in need, always been the shoulder
to cry on, always been the listening ear.
But there is no one for him to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to
tell him it'll be ok.
He is angry, he is sad, he is petrified, he is a lot of things...
Except happy, he is rarely happy. The only things that make him smile
are the same things that bring him down. Little bit of a fucked
situation. He has no direction, no motivation, no wind in his torn
sails, he is barely moving... Just enough to know that he is alive.
Torn apart by the world he has tried to help, yet there is no return
of the favour... He is alone... Feeling helpless... Feeling confused.
He doesn't know what he wants, he just knows it's not this...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Just For Tonight

She’s only tiny, she’s quiet, she never says much, she just rests her head on my shoulders and wraps her arms around me.
I safely secure her in my arms, kiss her forehead and pull her in closer.
The emotion flows through our bodies; we can see it in each other’s eyes. We don’t need to say anything, we both know its there.
We know that after this night I’ll be leaving, on my long journey home.
We always knew it was coming; this time together was never for forever.
I whisper in her ear:

“Be mine, just for tonight. I’ll momentarily be the gentleman that walks you home,
Just for tonight, let me kiss you, let me hold you, let me be the one you turn to, let me be the one that makes you smile.
Tonight is all we have, lets not waste it.
Tomorrow you will awaken, and I’ll again be half a world away.
Counting down the days until I can say those words again
Just for tonight…”

I hold her face gently, with my other hand on her lower back as I softly kiss her and pull her in again for another soft embrace. It’s not perfect, it’s not much… but it’s enough. Just for tonight…

When you can't cry anymore?

Curled up in the darkest corner of her mind, she waits
Silently...staring blankly down at the floor. Rocking back and forward
and the painted, cold concrete floor. The moon through the window
gives off just enough light to show her tiny silhoutte on the dry
wall. A small pedestal fan blows slighty, tissues flutter above the
tiny pink tissue box, where she left it the night before. Only tonight
there are no tears running from her deep, ocean blue eyes. Perhaps
today was a good day? Or maybe she has run out of tears, she is tired
of crying. Her bloodshot eyes, only held open by the caffiene, they
are all dried up...with Nothing left to cry out, nothing left to
scream, nothing left to do... She feels like nothing. She feels
helpless. She feels terrified. Crying has been her only
she's lost...suffering.
What do you do when you can't cry anymore?

Monday, April 19, 2010


When Im with you, I can say the things I want to say... And though you
don't think it's true.. I think you are someone beautiful, and the
word gorgeous describes you.
Waking up beside, was like I was still sleeping with a dream, but with
an out stretched hand I touch you, just like a movie scene
Your tired eyes would open, stare wearily into mine, makes my stomach
get butterflies, makes My heart pound everytime.
When we kiss is bliss, feels like nothing else on earth, makes feel so
high, I want to give you all you deserve.
As I board the plane to leave you, I just want you to know, that no
matter where I sleep tonight, it's in your arms that I feel at home.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm on holidays :)

Hi all, this isn't a story or anything, I know your all disappoitned
haha.. I'm actually sitting looking over the Brisbane river. Drinking
coffee waiting for my cousin to finish uni. I'm in Brisbane atthe
Moment which is about 1600 kilometres (1000 miles) south of where I
live. Visiting family and a certain female friend :) here for the
weekend.. Getting away from the real world :) but it's been good, I
caught up with my female friend.. Who you may remember j wrote about
in my little spill about myself a couple of weeks ago. I got here
yesterday and had an amazing night... Do you know the feeling where
you think something is gonna be great and then when it happens it was
better than you imagined? That was my night last night. So I'm on a
bit of a high At the moment. :) very happy haha... Will be sad to
leave on Monday morning though. I guess it always is when there are
particular feelings involved. On the writting front I've got a few
ideas floating around my head which I will put to paper next week, so
stay tuned for that... :) well that about it... Really just needed to
tell someone that finally being her was definetly worth the wait... :)
enjoy the rest of your week and weekend :) <3 Dan :)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Can you?

I'm tired of hiding behind these four walls,
there seems to be less and less room in here these days,
can't tell if the room is getting smaller or the things I hide are getting bigger.

I'm sick of laying awake alone,
I'm sick of the endless, sleepless night trying to fall asleep in tears,
I'm sick of it being my fault, even though it is, I am the one to blame.

I love that it hurts, maybe it will teach me a lesson,
I love that I can never be hurt by anyone as much as I hurt myself,
I love that one day there will be and end to all of this... One way or another.

Can you hear my silent screams for help?
Could you ever care?
Could you ever listen?

I'm tired,
I'm sick,
I love,

Can you help?

Friday, April 9, 2010

I thought you said forever..

He never thought he'd see her like this, so weak and helpless in that
hospital bed. Not now, not this young. It happened all of a sudden,
Now there she lays, the love of his life bed ridden. He comes to see
her everyday... Just to tell her he loves her. He stays for hours just
to talk to her, with her fragile hands in his. Hoping that she will be
ok. Everynight as he leaves he kisses her cold lips, then her forehead
as he tucks her in for sleep. "goodnight sweetheart" he says blowing a
kiss from the doorway as the nurse closes the curtain. Without fail
he'd be back again the next day. Doing the same thing... Walking with
her, pushing her in the wheelchair if she's to brittle to move.. They
are happy in every sense of the word. They have the kinda love where
no words need to be said... You can just tell. Until one cold winter
evening, he was fast asleep in the chair... The heart monitor started
to intensify... He stood over her screaming her name... "Holly,
HOLLY?" nurses come rushing through the door pushing him to the back
of the room... "Clear" nothing but a solid beeping... "Clear" ...
Nothing... "Clear".... That was it... There was nothing but a flat
line across the screen. "no, no, holly no" as he calapsed onto his
knees... The nurse pulls the bedsheet up over her face... She was
Gone, his world gone... They'd always said forever, but who knew
forever would be over so soon... No last chance to say "I love you" no
last chance to say "goodbye"... No last chance to hear her voice
again... There was nothing...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fine lines...

    Do you often find yourself treading on a fine line? On one side you know everything that can happen. You know that the only pain you feel happens initially as you cross the line in defeat. The other is the unknown side, which you know very well can, and often will end in heartbreak or disaster. 
    It's the line between reality and chasing a dream; circling the mouth of what seems a bottomless pit. We step one way we are safe and stable ground… and the other, endless falling…not knowing when we will hit the bottom.

    You find yourself making brainless decisions, falling in love to quickly, talking before you think. Pay no heed to the old cliché "look before you leap".

    More often then not we disregard the opinion and advice of outsiders, and fall onto the unknown side of the line; and even though we know exactly what will happen as soon as we take that step, we continue down that trail of terror. 

    Why? Why do we open ourselves up to anguish and misery; fighting for something that is never meant to be ours? It's like we label our hearts, "Insert knife and twist" and throw it out on a cold lonely street waiting for it to be stolen or crucified. Then wonder why we feel so fucking depressed. People say "Maybe you want to feel like this, maybe you like the pain". Why would anybody want to feel like this? What's to like about pain? It's brought nothing more than tears and heartbreak to the world. To feel like there is absolutely nothing in the world you want to live for, when everyday is just another breakdown, just one more Fucking nightmare after another. When the only smile you show is one in disarray of how fucked up your life has become… Hiding scars, hiding your twisted thoughts, trying to hide from memories that only make you cry. Lonely… cold… insecure… scared… helpless... lost. You find me someone who wants to feel like that…

Sunday, April 4, 2010


Don't tear me apart, Id rather extract happiness from every word of
your lie, then be broken by the reality of the untold truth. Lie to
me, do it... I know you can... You have been lying to yourself for
years. But lying to me would hurt you.. And hurting me would mean
telling the truth... Both of us want neither... Let's just forget
it... Let's stay in this awkward state of unemotional being, At least
we can't be hurt this way... Let us be dragged down together... We
either fight each other apart. Or battle through it together. I'd be
lying if I said I told you the truth... Our fate hangs in the balance,
waiting for us to say the words that we can't bare to part with...
Living in this bipolar world... You're on top of the world until it
turns on you, then the wieght of it is on your shoulders, can you
handle it? I can't help you without burning myself... I'm gonna lie
and tell you I'll always be there... And you'll lie and say you need
me... And this endless cycle of dishonesty continues to repeat

Thursday, April 1, 2010

...With Her

Sliding my hands over her shoulders, down the inside of her arms she slides her hands over the back of mine, piercing the gaps between my fingers with her own. I grasp her petite little fingers tightly as if I’m never going to let go and I pull her exposed fragile body in against me.
She moves ours hands towards her mouth and softly kisses each of my fingers. I brush the hair from her right shoulder using my nose as I kiss her neck tenderly, from the up behind her tiny cold ear, to the point of her shoulder. She slants her head back onto me, with her gorgeous eyes closed and biting her bottom lip. She turns her head up to face me, wearily opening her eyes to stare into mine. Blinking ever so slowly as she tries to hide a shy smile. I release her hands, placing mine on her hips to turn her around and face me, still gazing into her eyes, I begin to lean my head forward, as I slide my right hand up the side of her perfect, gorgeous body, up to her delicate face. Brushing away the hair off her face as I a reach the final moments before our first passionate embrace. Her gentle, trembling lips lock with mine; our awkward tongues tangle and tease one another. My hands become careless and start exploring her elegant, bare-naked body. Her hands are cold as she places them on my cheek. Firmly seizing me into the avid embrace…
I feel the butterflies in my stomach start to stir as I completely forget about the world...Is it to soon to say perfect? When this is where I want to be… this is where I want to stay…. here…lost…in this moment… with her.

Monday, March 29, 2010

I'd Rather Die Than be Without You

Dani and Chase were high school sweethearts… They met in English in there first year. Dani was a shy 14 year old girl, very slim and slender with dark eyes and a time stopping smile… although she never reveals it that often, she often wore black tights with a red pleated skirt, and black button down top that she ties at the bottom, revealing her stomach. She wasn’t very tall, wasn’t very confident and didn’t trust many people…. except the love of her life… Chase. Chase, 15, was a loner at best, very few friends. He was tall, so skinny it was scary, his hair was black thick and shiny. He wore expensive glasses, tight skinny black jeans, and whatever colour t-shirt he could find on the day.

Dani and Chase were in love. Everlasting love… The words til death do us part were never more true. Chase lived with his dad was a truck driver, was hardly home, his mum had died of cancer when he was 5. He couldn’t remember anything about her. He was generally happy. After all, he was in love. Dani had a rough up bringing. Her dad was an alcoholic… Always drunk. Her mother was no better; she was a drug addict…their house always smelt of cocaine and beer. Her father grew abusive over time.

Dani went to Chase’s house one afternoon in tears… about a year after they were dating… she had a small cut above her left eye, trickling blood. She, as Chase removed her bloody blouse, it revealed her bruise ribs. Already purple. She couldn’t stop crying. Chase kissed her forehead and told her everything would be ok.
”You shouldn’t love me Chase, you’ll only end up hurt” she said, “you can’t stay with me”
“Dani, I Love you” he said “I’d rather die then be without you”
Dani hinted at a smile as Chase continued to clean her up.

Dani started wearing more and clothes, less revealing than normal. Chase was scared, Dani didn’t talk about it much, Chase didn’t ask. He just kept telling her he loved her.

Chase got a call one Wednesday night about 12 months later, “Your girlfriend is in hospital, and she’s broken her leg”
Chase got there as quick as he could. She was bruise and battered again. Her father was in handcuffs in the waiting room. “What did he do?” Chase asked
“Nothing, It was my fault Dani said “ I told him I was pregnant, Chase your going to be a dad”
Chase’s frown quickly turned to a smile…
”I love you Dani, I’d rather die that live without you” he said.

Later that night Chase heard a knock on his front door…it was Dani’s father…
Without a word Chase’s was punch across the face, then in the ribs and fell to the floor. Dani came running over to Chase’s house
”DAD I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE” she screamed, “Are you ok Chase?”
“I’m fine” he replied
“You know you don’t have to out up with this, I don’t want you to get hurt anymore” she said
Chase just smiled “Dani, I love you, I’d rather die than be without you”

The Friday that followed Chase was on his way to Dani’s house, he came to a complete stop; a blue and red light was flashing on his face. Tears began to flow. The front of Dani’s place was covered in Police, and an ambulance. He dropped to his knees in the middle of the road as he watched the paramedics drag the stretcher carrying a cover body… tears started to flow as Dani’s mother came screaming from the house, trying to grab hold up the stretcher. Chase’s heart fell to pieces when he seen Chase’s dad being pulled from the front door by the police… he’s gone to far this time… Dani was murdered… Dani was dead; Chase’s Love his life was gone.
He could do nothing…His tears flowed from his eyes… it was never ending.

Her funeral was small… a few friends from school, Chase’s Dad accompanied him… Chase could only cry… He was the last one to leave the side of her casket… He kissed it… and left a folded note to be buried with her…

Dear Dani,

I Love You, I’d rather die than be without you

Love Chase

Chase hasn’t been seen since the funeral…

Race Against Time...

She climbs the stairs to the third floor, opens the door to her apartment, Number 34B.

It’s a small apartment, with a small living room barely lit with a single light globe hanging from the ceiling that flickers every few seconds. There is a faded pink couch in the middle of the room, sitting on a shaggy, whiskey stained rug. MTV statically enlightens a small coffee table, with three legs and covered with years of rolling stone magazine and half empty coffee mugs.

She drops her fake Gucci handbag on the couch as she walks past, like she does every other the day; Making her way into the lone bedroom in her apartment. The bedroom is darker than the living room with singe bed, covered in a cigarette burnt sheet, and makeup stained pillow and a woven woolen blanket. The bedside table sits under a busted reading lamp and a overflowing ashtray. Her clothes spread all over the floor from the weeks that have past, with no obvious order. Kicking off her smoky grey heels as she passes through the door, sliding down her little black dress to the floor, revealing her gorgeous pale white silky skin, her back covered in a diorama of black tattoos that resemble the memories of pain and suffering she has felt over time. A tattoo of stitching leads from her shoulders, down across her heart, past her small, but perfect breasts and perky pink nipples. Her thin, slender cold body and disappears into her red lace g-string. She reaches her freezing cold hands with black chipped, but shiny fingernails to open the door to her bathroom, which is small than most closets in any house. She stares at herself in the mirror, exposing dark fiery red lips, spiky piercing below her bottom lip to the left of centre. She reaches up to let her hair down; long jet black straight hair covers her shoulders, her fringe falls down over her neon blue eyes, surrounded by a thick black layer of eyeliner that has been slightly smudged throughout the day. As she stares into her own eyes, she bursts into tears. Running a river of black down her face; it seems to have become a daily ritual for her. Night after night she comes home and cries herself to sleep. You can see the faded scars on both her wrists from when the days have just been to much for her to handle; Today was one of those days. She reaches into the drawer and removes a clean silver razor blade, of which she has a collection. She removes the last of her clothing and turns on her dirty shower. Before stepping in, she picks up the phones and dials a three digit number… “911, what is your emergency?” a voice says.

“I’ve cut my wrists” says the girl “I’m bleeding”

She drops the phone and steps into the shower… crashing into a ball in the corner as she makes the incisions in her wrists… as the blood begins to flow from her veins into the shower then down the drain… she leans her head against the wall… pondering whether fate will take her from this life, or if the paramedics will reach her in time. She has left it up to god to decided her fate… it’s a race against time.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Complete and utter rambling...

I don’t ever remember not being in a confused state of mind.
I don’t ever remember having a clear head.
There has always been something bothering me.
There has also been something to tear apart my soul and ruin my day.
Some things are just in my head.
Some things are really there.
Determining what is there and what is in my head seems to be the hardest thing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really been in love
I don’t know if I’ve ever really been loved.
What is love?
What isn’t love?
Can it be defined as a single feeling?
Or is it simply to complex to understand?

Have I ever been okay?
Have I ever been Happy?
I don’t know what I want.
But I know that I want it.

You can never hurt me as much as I hurt myself….

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Fuck! Another nightmare begins, another day to follow another sleepless night. Time to drag your arse out of bed, put on your brave face and confront the world that doesn't care. You can feel yourself breaking inside, unsure of how long you can keep hiding behind a smile you don't believe in. In the downward spiral heading rapidly towards the inevitable emotional break down. The only memories that remain are those with tears... When you were torn apart. The worst thing is the fault lies with you, and now you're suffering in your shadow, with no one to answer the screams for help inside your mind. Scared to death of what awaits you. Silent answers that mean nothing to know one go unheard. Crying for a solution that isn't coming... Everyday is the same... Ending in why. You slam your door shut behind you after your day of pointless acting, to go drown yourself in a sea of tears, in the darkest corner or your mind... Waiting for the next nightmare to begin...    

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Do You Remember?

Can you remember back to the last time you felt like the world paused for “that” moment? When you were lost… In those few seconds in time where everything was perfect. When it didn’t matter what you were doing, or what the consequences were, because at that moment you were doing exactly what you wanted. We live each day not knowing when we will experience these moments again…sometimes they can be years apart. The long wait to feel those feelings again; the butterflies in your stomach, the uncontrollable smile for ear to ear, and the confidence it inspires within yourself, nearly makes those years of self doubt, sadness, sorrow and depression worth while… even though we know it will only last a few seconds... It’s worth it…

Sunday, March 21, 2010

My Life at Present...

Its not very often that I write about myself or my personal life. And what follows might be a shock to to those who think they know who I am. While it won’t detail exactly everything in my life, it might help a few people understand a few things. I guess it might not surprise people at all, just depends on the perception you have of me, but that ok, I can deal with that. That’s the beauty of being human, we can think and develop our own opinion of each other.

This is nothing more that a simple piece of writing to capture my own thoughts at this particular point in my life, mainly because I am going through some massive changes at the moment. Also, have a few big decisions to make in the coming months. Ones that will either make me or break me.

Let me begin by saying im currently not where I want to be with my life, in most aspects. I expected bigger and better things from myself for myself by this stage. So I guess you can say im not happy with everything in life at the moment, but at the same time I’m ok that. There are some things that I am happy with, so its not all doom and gloom. Which is a big thing for me to say, being as pessimistic as I am.

As many people know already im considering moving soon. I’ve recently been travelling around this great country of ours, Ive met some fantastic people and seen some great places. My move is based on a lot of things, Ive been here in Townsville for as long as I can remember. It is home, and always will be home to me. However, it is to the point where it has nothing left to offer me anymore. It is a very difficult decision for me to make, I have great friends up here, and most importantly my Mum and my brother. Leaving them behind would be the hardest part. I guess I relate it to the animal world kingdom, the young offspring leaving the nest at an early age to grow into the adult animal they need to become to survive in this cruel world of ours. So I guess its time for me to leave the nest.
Chasing bigger and better opportunities in my career. In this current economic climate there is not a lot of opportunity in Townsville, in any industry. It is also very expensive to live here, for what it is. Not many people share this view of Townsville thought, and those who do have already moved on to other places. Where am I going? Who knows… The Gold Coast at this stage, although I have always said that I will end up in Perth at some stage. Only time will tell. To be honest I don’t base my decisions on a hell of a lot of logic… could end up in Africa, who knows.

Like I said earlier, leaving family behind will be the hardest. While I’ve never had the best relationship with my mum or my brother, they have always been there for me, sacrificing a lot when they could of just said no. They have given me nearly to much, and I love them very much… even though I don’t say it nearly as much as I should. In time I know they will move as well, so hopefully it wont be to long after.

Leaving my friends behind will also be very tough. Leaving everybody you’ve grown up with, the people you share unforgettable memories with, the people that have stuck by you no matter what, the people that have helped me become who I am today. These people mean more to me than they know, and they would be missed very much.

Leaving work behind won’t be so difficult…. After all I’ll more than likely be remaining in the same company, just a new location. In saying that, there are a few people that have been fantastic mentors and role models to me in my short career, as well as outside work as well. I’ve formed some great friendships…. With many memories left to capture before I move on. I’ve also learnt a great deal of information that can help me, not only in my profession, but outside as well. I do complain a lot about work, when its really not that bad…. After a coffee… haha.

Now (the important bit)… there seems to be this conception that I’m moving for love, moving to be with someone. This isn’t entirely true…. I was moving anyway. But yes there is a element of truth to it I guess. I wouldn’t call it “love” at this stage. It’s only very early days and I believe live is something that is built over time. Therefore, I don’t believe in love at first sight, I believe in in the potential for love… I think you can feel something straight away, but it would call it love… I’d call it potential… which can be built on. That’s what I feel this is, while it is very early days I think it has the potential to be something great... and hopefully she feels this as well.
It is difficult to do I must say, when you like and want someone that is 1400kms away, its hard to stay positive. While this girl and I aren’t together per se, I like to think that when we do see each other we are, which we can build on. It’s a little bit of a complicated situation I guess. Both of us have just gotten out of long term relationships, and not really looking to get back into one at this stage, so in a way this 1400kms between us is a good thing. I think had we lived in the same city, it would be difficult for us to resist seeing each other. At least that’s what I think. But she makes me happy, and hopefully she feels the same. It’s a funny feeling to be talking to someone to the depth that we have, and not be together… and being allowed to see other people. It’s hard not to get jealous of those who can see her, when I can’t.
It’s a situation I would normally give up on, but not this time. There is something different about this girl. I believe her when she tells me she wants to see me, and kiss me, and hug me. Fall asleep with my arms around her. Calling me sweetheart. These things mean a lot to me, thought they are only words. I constantly finding myself re reading my text messages from her, they make me smile. I don’t think I’ve smiled this much in a long time. Hopefully it will grow into something great, who knows what this world has planned for us?

I’ve often been accused of falling in “love” to quickly. Which may or may not be true. Its just part of who I am I guess. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been in some good relationships over the years, while they the people I dated weren’t right for me in the end, , they’re right for someone else. While a lot of people get upset about it, I don’t think its something you should dwell on. We all get upset, but we move on, often on to better things. Look where I am now, If I hadn’t split with my ex, I might never have found myself in the great situation I find myself in now with this girl. So Good things sometimes comes from bad things.
You may have noticed I have not used any names in here, there are some secrets that need to be kept :) Those included no what I’m talking about :).

Wow…this is page 6 (A4 handwritten sheet :)) for those of you playing at home.

Those few of you that decide to read this are more than likely on my blog. Which means I’ve bugged you to read it, or you already know that I’m a bit of a writer. (I really wish I typed this because its gonna take ages to type up)

If you scroll down my blog you will find some more of my writing, mainly poetry.
Many people after reading the things I write ask me if I’m ok. I guess because of the dark nature of my stuff. I’m fine people lol… My writing generally has nothing to do with how I feel. I just seem to have this ability to write depressive stuff. Which is what I like, Tried that happy stuff, it was to easy. Most of my stuff is often based on a single word. A word that I add to a sentence, and from there… I get poems. I love writing, in brings me a lot of joy and inner peace. I never used to show many people my writing, but for some reason I decided it was time to share. Surprised a few people I think… but that’s ok, have to keep people guessing.
Hmm what else is there…

A lot of people have questioned my…fashion sense lately. Calling it “Emo” or whatever. That’s cool, I don’t care. Not gonna change me haha. I happen to like skinny jeans lol.

I don’t really care about what people think about me, It has never really bothered me, I don’t know why. Seems to work though. Everyone is different, and I don’t think they should be criticised for how they express themselves. Which is a big part of my decision to move, Townsville seems to have developed this stereotype of prude women and dickhead men. I didn’t think t much of it until I started travelling. From my perspective there is an element of truth in that statement. I think a lot of people would agree with me on that. People just seem nicer in other places, and you don’t seem to be judged as much I have found, Oh well.

Hmmm… given that its 4am and there is a cyclone floating around somewhere, I think I might call it a night. I could have kept going on forever….maybe next time. J

Friday, March 19, 2010

Leave Me Alone

I come through the door, upstairs and into the bathroom to confront them…
I have had enough..
“What are you still doing here? I thought I told you to leave?
You’ve caused me nothing but Fucking trouble. All your lies, all the deceit. Leave me the fuck alone. Stop trying to control my life. All you ever do is bring me down, swear at me, use me, abuse me I’ve had enough of your shit, find someone else to torment. You’ve cut me and bruised me beyond reason. The pills no longer help, the alcohol does nothing. So now its time for you to get the fuck out of my head, out of my house and out of my life. FUCK OFF… I hate coming home, every fucking day and having to talk to you, and look at You. You Fucking disgust me, look at yourself... You are a sad excuse for a person. You mean fucking nothing to me you piece of shit. Never fucking talk to me again. It is you who I never Ever want to see”

As I left the bathroom it dawned on me, I was looking in the mirror… Screaming at me.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010 just a game!

Happiness, the myth. The hunt for perfection. What is happiness? One man’s perception of happiness is another man’s living hell. What makes you happy? Do you really know? Does anybody? Pure happiness is a human imperfection. If we were all made to be happy then we all would be, simple fact of life. However in the world we live in the pursuit of happiness and superiority over everyone else is the ultimate prize. In this age it doesn’t matter how many lives you crush, or people you step on to get there, as long as you get there. Focused single-mindedly on the one goal of being better than the man standing next to you, just to look down upon him and tell him why your life is so much better than his. Which is why people reach the next phase of life….

…. Crossroads. Everyone will come across this phase. The which way do I turn Question.

You can go left, doesn’t matter what is down that road. Could be a job promotion or a pay rise. Hell you could even get fired, fact is you took that road and paid the consequences and it doesn’t matter, because we don’t care.

You could go right, Get married, have kids, win the lotto or fuck Miss September playmate of the year. I don’t care; I’d just think your one lucky son of a bitch.

Go straight ahead and continue on the path your on, remembering the if you were satisfied with continuing the way you were going then you never would have come across this crossroad in the first place.

If there is one lesson you learn in life it’s that no matter which road you take, if you turn around there’s always a big WRONG WAY TURN BACK sign. As much as we’d like to, there is no changing the past… and so the vicious circle of life continues...

…. The beginning of a new adventure in life generally starts with “Fuck it”.
Mid-life crisis, being reborn, it is all the same load of shit. Everybody, no matter who they are, will get to a stage in life where they will assess where they are in life and say FUCK IT! I don’t give a fuck what people think, I don’t care about other people, hell I just don’t care period. And with that a new resolution is born…sincerity.
Sincerity, is not people caring, it’s people pretending to care. It’s all part of the big act of life. Doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, or what makes you better than everyone else, we don’t care. While your standing there talking up how your shares fell by two percentage points, I’ll “sincerely” listen. Only enough so that I can form a response that doesn’t consist of the words “fuck you”. Meanwhile contemplating what I should do on the weekend, weather I’m gonna fuck the living shit out of the gorgeous waitress that gave me her number or what is going to be on the table to dinner when I get home. In simple terms I don’t care, I’m being sincere. Nobody cares. Not ever Family or friends. Why? Because there to busy giving a fuck about themselves. Just like everybody else.

Monday, March 8, 2010

So Sinister

Your kiss is so sinister, filled with pleasure and pain, but when our lives are over our love will remain.

You are my demon, black leather and lace, beat me and whip me, make me scream out my face.

Be rough, don’t be gentle, make me feel pain, for when it comes my turn, you’ll be screaming my name.

Bloods seep through the markings, like when evil attacks, bruises and grazes, scratches all down my back.

Tied to the bed head, all cover in sweat; you lower your body, so soft and wet.

Faster and harder, your body starts to shake, your trembling and moaning, the silence it breaks.

The noises get louder, there’s an arch in your back, with ones massive scream, the windows they crack.

The movements grow slower, your breathing slows down, with one naughty smile, your move your head down.

You tongue starts to tease me, sends me insane, you laugh like the devil, like its some sort of game.

But some games are made for two and my turn is next, the room is getting steamy and smells like rough sex.

I roll your body over, lay you on your back, I’m deep between you thighs, and again the windows crack.

There’s thunder and lighting, the fire it glows, you push my head down, you’re about to explode.

Three massive breathes, then one loud and slow, you scream and you pout, you yell and you moan.

So softly you kiss me, it tastes so damn sweet, you lay down beside me, you drift off to sleep.

Fallen Soldier

A war does not decide who is wrong or right.
But standing tall and marching proud we send our soldiers off to fight.
Days and weeks and months on end, we go without sleep.
On those same dark nights he's wide awake, through the desert he must creep
Your nightmares, you are horrified, these nightmares just can't be.
But those nightmares that you have are all his eyes can see.
Every minute seems so slow when you lay awake in bed
You wonder what his thoughts would be, what's going through his head.
To the morning news you wake, "another Aussie soldier falls"
You shed burning tears of sadness, and of joy he wasn’t yours.
The news said he died with honour; he's done his country proud.
Did he die for an endless fight, in a war that wasn’t ours?
His death will change everything, a widow from a wife
A grieving mother's heartbreak, a fatherless child for life.

Suicidal Thinking...

What doesn't exist can't hurt you,
What can't hurt you doesn't exist.
Agony is the feeling of being alive.
This is why pain can never hurt the dead,
I've never been one to consider suicide an option,
but I can see the appeal it must have to some.
Seems like an easy way out, which it is.
Though I would never question the motives of those who take that path,
I must wonder what could have been so unbearable that they decided to end it all.
End the pain and suffering.
It might be something that is a simple, little insignificant problem.
These Little Problems might be the threshold for another.
An issue that forces them to make the toughest decision of their life,
or the end of their life for that matter.
Must be an immense amount of pain to make that call to end it all....

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Giving Up!

Take my life, for I am no longer worthy of it,
Take my soul, so I cannot sell it,
Take my heart for it is no use to me in pieces.
I have failed myself, and my life.
There is no future for me here,
I have exhausted my will to live.
I wish to surrender to the greater man,
And sacrifice myself, to rid the world of my disease.

Evil Angel

Like the eyes of creatures gazing down, at every tear that hits the ground.

The falling love which was to end, the falling of a dear friend.

The Darkness falls and shadows gloom, in the corner she cries of her empty room

The evil angel is on the way; She’s come to take her life today.

A father, a son, a Daughter or mother. This Angel won’t care for any other.

And with another Heart that will stop to beat. All the grief and sadness will repeat.

The angel sits on the end of the bed, her victim cries.. all the words unsaid.

Yet another life becomes apart of history, another family engulfed with misery.

The Evil Angel waits up in high the sky… Til The next life, passes by.

To You, From Me!

As the sun sets upon another day, let those fears and nightmares fade away.
Though your eyes are filled with tears and your face darkened by a frown,
Tomorrow dawns a new life, a new hope, and a new day for you to show the world your beautiful smile.

Let no one stand in your way, stand tall and fight hard. Believe you can achieve, believe in yourself, believe in your ideas, and believe in your heart that you will make your life yours, and let no one tell you which way to turn and which roads to take.

You are Unique, You are very special, and you are you because nobody else is. You are what makes you, you. You are no one else but you! So be you, say things that you want to, believe in what you want to, do what you want to, love what you want to. You decide what you do.

Don’t be afraid to cry, because even the strongest have shed tears. Never forget that I am here for you, with you and within you every step of the way. I believe in you.
Even when I am miles away, I have never been so close.

Wipe those tears from your pretty face; open your arms to my warm embrace. I am your friend, your shoulder for tears, your ears to speak to and your guidance and advice, from my heart to yours.

Pledge not to dwell in the past, pledge to cry tears that need to be shed, pledge to smile when you’re happy and frown when you’re sad, be strong for the weak….

Believe in you, in your life and in your future… the script of your life is there to be written…

The pen is in your hands….


You can only do so much from above. No matter how much you wish you could do more, watching is all we have. I have watched her suffer, I’ve seen her cry for nights, days, weeks, and months on end. I’ve seen her desperate attempts to alleviate her pain. But only a temporary reprieve comes from her white powder. The devils morphine only numbs the pain enough for her to fall asleep. Waking up, again cause pain, the self inflicted kind, thought this matters not to her as any disguise for her real misery is seen as a godsend. Her sadness affects me, as well as her. I feel helpless, wanting to be her Savior, her knight in shinning armour if you like. Night after night I’ve watched her cry herself to sleep. She has lost all respect for herself. She cares not for anything, and feels she has nothing. She has me. She does not know of my existence, for to her and the world I do not exist. I wish I did. Some how I would find a way to cure her pain, abolish the memories that’s are killing her, the memories she cannot forgot, the memories I cannot forget. I long to touch her just once. Feel her gorgeous, cold, pale white skin, run my fingers through her silky, shinny, jet-black hair. I yearn to wipe her running make-up from her cheek. Tell her that I am here, and that I love her, and that it will be ok. I would hold her, care for her, and never leave her side, as I have never let her out of my sight. I was there the day her mother brought her into this world, and I was there when her mother was taken from hers. Her sister died while picking her up, a car accident, pronounced dead on the scene. Killed by the stupidity of a drunk driver. She could do nothing, pinned to the passenger seat as she watched her sister’s life fade in front of her own eyes. She blames herself for her sister’s death. She was meant to catch a cab that night, but she had no money, instead it cost her the life of her younger sister, age 17. Her mother had died 3 months prior, sudden case of breast cancer got the better of her, age 43.
Her Father left when she was 7, Her last memories of her father was him walking out the door, her mother crying on the floor holding her face from where he hit her. No one has heard from him since. The last memories of all her family are memories she’d rather forgot. These are the memories that haunt her day after day, the more time goes by the more broken she becomes. She’s like a time bomb just waiting to hit zero. Once upon a time she was a happy, vibrant young woman, in a past life it almost seems now. Her happy memories cease to exist. Pain and suffering is all she knows, and she knows not how to endure it. Drugs, alcohol… nothing works. Depression is her happiest emotion. It’s only down from there. She has nothing left. She left her hometown, in a hope to start again, but nothing ever started, she has lost contact with all her friends and her pain continues to get more severe. I want top help her, I want to be her antidote. Inside and out she is a shattered woman, behind all the memories, and all the tears there is perfection. I will never get to see it, nor will anyone else. She will continue to cry, to scream silently. To her, her life is over, she is just breathing. She didn’t have a choice on life, she was just born. She has a choice on death. Her life can end, or she can end her life. Inevitably, she will die depressed, devastated and broken. She will drown in her sorrow, and it will end in tears… She will, die in pain.
I cannot do a lot from above, as much as I wish… I can only watch… and wait.

The End

She’s tried before, and failed. The story of her life it seems. Trying to escape the harsh reality that is her world. Drink after drink, Pill after pill… Trying desperately to extinguish the agony that penetrates her heart deeper than any ocean. Pointless sexual encounters that only end in a river of black tears and a mascara stained pillow. Scars on her wrist symbolise her previous efforts. She’s been so close to a bloody relief before; but tonight marks the end of her tragic life. With a locked door and loud music, no one will hear her scream, just as no one has heard her screams for salvation before. However, tonight will not be a cry for help, just a scream of sweet surrender. To her this pain and anguish is far less than what she faces day to day.
As her blood runs down her pale arm, through her weary fingers, mixing with her sea of salty tears, she is content…satisfied.
In her final heartbeats there is a smile… her pain she lived her life with is gone forever in her death. Burned and buried as if it had never existed.

Behind Closed Doors

Behind closed doors the moonlight shines only bright enough to illuminate the shadows of a dark past, The path that had been traveled to many times had become somewhat unrecognizable, yet not disguisable to herself. The passageway to the deepest circle of her inner soul. Where even pure beauty shows more flaws than perfections. A place that encircles memories that induced the black mascara sea beneath her teary, yet painfully gorgeous eyes. In even her saddest of days she could melt the ice off the coldest hearts. Her disbelief in herself provoked the self belief in others. She is an angel with a scarred heart and broken wings, black as coal. But she is an Angel none the less. In the day she is like you and I. in the dark she cries herself to sleep. Her drugs only dull the pain, slowly killing her inside. One can only take so much hurt. Once the powdered relief fades, she becomes more broken than she was in the hours before. Recent memories pass thought her mind unnoticed. The innermost painful memories still haunt her. As she delicately steps out of her 3rd floor apartment, she again turns into everybody’s Savior. The Savior that she longs for deep inside. As the hours tick by, she sits at her desk knowing full well what the night holds for her. The beautiful woman that left her apartment this morning will turn into a girl shattered by an excruciating recollection of a life she once lived. A life known only in her apartment… behind closed doors.


I have never felt such a desire to play a part in something wrong
And be it not for the first time, we would never know it felt right
I have an addiction to the touching of our skin, it’s like a drug
Every taste makes the addiction stronger, and the release twice as sweet
Do not deny me my fixed of greed and guilt, use me and abuse me how you see fit.
Committing the sin in secret heightens our senses, in an act that is a socially unacceptable, and morally
fucked up
An act so wrong to the world that it’s so right for us, Let them never know of our furtive behaviour
Let the disgust with ourselves fuel every moment.
It’s an endless desire that can never be fulfilled, yet we crave for it like a vampire for blood.
Giving in to our craving was the beginning of our mistake, now such passion cannot be fought against
Nor can it see the light of day.
Let them never know we have given in to the forbidden temptation.
What once was a fantasy is now a reality.
A reality that only we know we live in.

A Life No More

As the darkness falls all around you, and your tears run black as the night,
Throw your head on my shoulder, tonight’s not the time we say goodbye.
The bruises have never been so painful; the cuts have never been so deep.
Lay your head down in relief, and bleed into the deepest sleep.

Room once filled with hopes and dreams, all to long ago it seems, now
Bloody sheets of misery, razor blades and memories. Broken glass on the floor a tissue box that helps no more.
A broken heart that burns with pain, drowning in mascara rain.

Deafened by her own silent screams, a precious life atrophy
A river black from eyes to cheek, she’s nothing left, a heart so weak.
Wounds reopened, Crimson Red, pages unturned and words unsaid.
An excruciating ecstasy, yet a picture perfect catastrophe.

Blood fingerprints on the life she tore, her life that was, but is no more.

Written by Daniel Telford-O'Donnell, 2008.